How to Live Like a Total Brat

... with screwed views on love.

I could hardly remember when I started having this notion,

"Say NO to puppy love!"

"No dating until you'd done studying."

Those kinds of chants or principles I would denote them so.

Maybe yes and maybe not.

It started when I was a kid.

Was a less girlish back then, when was little.

To climb trees, jumping from one branch to another, to play around with boys,

extreme level of hide and seek till got a jab of tetanus shot for rusty nails prick.

Ah!

I did burn one of mom's Tupperware collection.

We were playing cooking with real fire,

boiling water for drinks, out of curiosity I burnt a plastic container with a pure stupidity plastic would not melt.

No, the crime scene was behind a post office, next to our neighbourhood.

People say stuff like don't shit where you eat.

Muahaha!

That could explain much our parents still not know about that menace (maybe or they stay shut?)

Loss count to how many mirrors I had broken for my experiments with fire and cold water.

*they are the mirrors one could get on round-shaped back in the 90s sharpener*

Not that I had too many boys friend but it was not a cute and cuddly childhood.

Let alone rebellious phase.

*I miss Along, he was my neighbour's cousin. All I could remember is he was in green school uniform (KRS?)*

Then I entered primary education.

Was a bully. Standard two, were separated from bully gang ended up studying in nerdy class.

Primary school's memory we are not all rainbows and sunshine.

I was sluggish, heck yeah!

Filled with angst and ignorance.

Living in own world, hardly could mingle (being a PTS student was quite a curse)

Don't really fit in. Back in those years,

I learnt;

1. Pretty girl will be wooed by boys
2. Students favours over teacher
3. Hitting puberty is another hell (for others)
4. I don't really miss those years.

Hard to admit but maybe those earlier notions I got when I saw those pretty girls lingering around puppy love didn't really succeed.

*That was my school, I do not know about yours*

Those maybe the years when silently anarchism creeping in.

Hahha!

but I do, I don't do much wheedle hardly I flatter people for my advantages.

Why would I? Kissing arse is not something to be proud of.

Or maybe I was jealous that I'm not pretty neat enough back then?

HAHAHA. Nope, not a pinch.

Still, the same scenario keep repeating itself in high school.

Those pretty girls, kissing arse flock, I chose to become a PRS.

The safest choice?

Anyhow,

what is up with puppy love?

Are they really harmful?

I watched two movies tonight: If I Stay (laptop) and Flipped on DIVA.

They made me think if I could grow up once again,

would I try to fall in love at early age?

With this mind now; NO I do not want to grow up once again, a mistake is a mistake.

Must dang girl learn well from it or learn from others' mistakes.

We ain't live that long.

This thought left me wonder,

what would I have become if I had a lover or a few before.

Must be funny, I would be damaged than I am.

Imagine this,

without puppy love or several heartbreaks,

my view on love is way too screwed.

Had trust issue for a trust is to gain.

Well, had a few crushes before but they are all almost smart, witty, charismatic people.

Another curse: a sapiosexual.

Being a so called PRS, I witnessed and lent too many shoulders for beloveds' heartbreaks.

May have glued their broken pieces of hearts.

May have curse or mock some of those guys.

Yeah, another notion of mine.

Don't mess with my girls; I'll let you suffer on death bed (figuratively) pondering your wrongdoings.

Hehe.

So, here I am.

Still with screwed views on love.

Considering whom should I believe and give my trust.

Who could surpass this imaginary wonder wall of mine.

If I wasn't a dry heart jerk, might perform as a well lived playgirl back in those days.

Thank God for these hardened principles.

Status: thinking who worth to spent time, thought, effort, money, heart, prayers on.

Hahha!

p/s: hurted tongue, munched too much M&M :(

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Surat Buat Tuhan

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

(muzik latar: Note to God by Charice)

Jasad ber-Ruh,

Tanah,

Bumi,

Galaksi Bima Sakti,

Alam Semesta.

Tuhan,

Yang Utama tiada Dua, Allahu-ahad. Tuhan nan Tunggal Maha Wujud, Mengetahui dan Adil. 

Terima kasih Tuhan. Alhamdulillah kupanjangkan syukur kepadaMu.

Terima kasih untuk hidayah yang diberikan. Sesungguhnya sebagai sejenis makhluk yang berakal, dulu hambaMu tidak cerap bagaimana mahu melihat hikmah dan pengajaran dalam kehidupan. 

Tuhan, terima kasih. HambaMu ini mengambil masa 6 tahun untuk mencari redho kenapa nyawa arwah diambil awal. Ruh arwah berpisah lekas dari badan. Dahulu jahil, kini masih jahil. HidayahMu Tuhan, seperti tamparan kasar keras ke pipi. Jika manusia cuba bertanya-tanya apa rasa kehilangan? 

Tuhan, kehilangan itu pahit, perit, pedih, sakit, tak terluah dibibir untuk insan sepertiku. Insan yang tak mampu nak luah semua cerita kurang manis. Insan yang tak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi rasa. Insan yang tidak pernah punya apa-apa tanpa rahmatMu. 

Tuhan, hingga kini aku masih cuba hidup sebagai seorang manusia menjadi petunjuk...

***

I couldn't bring myself to finish this letter. Frankly speaking, writing this is not easy.

Rose Kennedy quote:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Scarred and scared. How did I survive this almost a quarter century, living almost a decade regretting my mistakes, arrogance and stupidity. I miss him so much.

Dear God, 

Spare him your Mercy and Blessings. Let him rest in peace. Put him in the place of loved ones. 

Amen!

Me,

(Miss-almost-always-misguided)

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Jalan Pulang

Petang itu redup. Tidak tersangka-sangka di penghujung tahun begini, matahari masih sudi menunjukkan rupa. Barangkali Tuhan ada pesan, jarang-jarang selaklah awan supaya makhluk di bumi tak kejung dek dingin hujan. Redup, angin sejuk. Mama bilang, jika mahu tahu bagaimana hawa negeri Kanggaru itu ibarat menghadap sepoi penyaman udara tetapi berdiri di terik siang. Begitu enaknya. Bagiku, redup dan sedikit angin sejuk sudah memadai kerana kami bersandar di dahan pokok.

Dia sederhana berselipar jepun, tangan di saku jeans yang menunggu masa untuk rabak. Sebelah badan masih menyandar selepas aku beralih tempat kebosanan. Mencangkung, kukuis dedaun kering-lembab di tanah.

"Rasa macam makin sesatlah." kerling ke mana hala pandangan matanya. Tunggu respon.

"Hm?" sepatah. Kening sahaja diangkat tanda tanya. Sepatah. Bertuah.

"Sesat tak jumpa cari jalan pulang." aku jelaskan seringkas rasa sesat yang dirasakan sekarang. Kali ini giliran tanah pula dikuis, selepas dedaun diselak bogel. Mungkin jika dikuis tanah ini penuh konsentrasi, cacing pula muncul sebagai makhluk ketiga.

"Ini." dia angkat lengan kedua belah gaya robot tak cukup sifat. "Ini." dia ulang.

"Apa? Angkat tangan macam tu. Nak menari robot ke apa?" aku balas malas. Debu habuk yang terlekat di kain dikibas-kibas, mula bangkit. Tak puas hati bila ditanya soalan jawabnya bahasa isyarat bahasa badan gerak tangan. Aku tak ambil lagi kursus penuh 'Teknik Memahami Bahasa Badan Manusia'.

Dia gelak. Tangan masih bergaya robot atau hantu pocong a la filem cina zaman dulu-dulu. Hantu yang lompat-lompat kejar orang tu, bila ditampal azimat ke dahi muka baru beku. Iya, macam itu lah gaya dia.

"Ini. Jalan pulang..." gelak kecil mati. Aku tarik balik muncung-muncung mulut selepas bebel tidak puas hati tadi. Dia tenung tajam, riak muka agak serius agak tidak berperasaan.

"Hahah!" aku tepis rasa debar dengan gelak sinis. Amboi! Jalan pulang untuk rasa sesat kita rupanya pulang ke dakapan dia.

Bertuah!

TaMMaT

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Being Apologetic

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I'm sorry.

My apology.

I apologize for ...

Honestly, I don't know.

Remember how the world make fun or adore Canadian's manner over being apologetic at almost every situation.

I'm no a Canadian but in my point of view,

to being rude or polite, it does not count what country you were born in, what colour of your skin may be tinted with, what race would you belong.

To own such manner, apologetic or not,

it comes from brought up of one's family,

if the family was broken,

the manner came from one's life principles as long as he breathe.

Yes, we could see how well behave a human become from a miserable household,

we could even see how bad a human turned out from a happy family,

we could see how an orphan ended up being a masked devil or winged angel.

Now we are about to reflect to see which categories we fall in.

Which is yours?

Advertisement: I was watching Berlari ke Bintang whilst typing this,

wow, oh, wow! That wife is a bitch!

Her husband and kid (Intan) are almost an angel.

A stingy judgemental bitch.

Now pray unmarried young lad, for you must find a decent wife to marry, not a bitch nor trophy wife.

Pray to God, till your knees hurt.

*I rarely watch Malay drama because of screwed up scripts, but this drama is good*

May God bless the production crews.

Getting back again,

which caterogy do I fall into?

I apologise too much.

I'm sorry for being me,

sorry that I hurted you,

my apology if my presence ever tilted your balanced world.

Silly enough to ask for human's forgiveness over being alive?

Am I an ungrateful servant of God?

Was I trying hard to please human over the Almighty?

Let those questions seep in deep in heart while repenting every mistakes I had done, or might do.

The sinner.

Subconciously following heart's desire, The Nafs.

Conciously following misguided brain, The Thinker.

What if I tell you, my ultimate escapism is sleep, Half Dead.

My soul would leave the body, the Jasad (body) would be incapable to add any sins into heavily darkened book of deed?

How one could be so sure by sleeping, one could escape making any sins?

Or at least one could hope his sleep turned into an Ibadah (The Deed)?

I don't know, sincerely I do not know.

I'm a human, for one could try (The Intention) to stop commit sins.

May God count my good will, and may He Erase and put halt to any evil will to others (The Makhluk).

Let me tell you,

never start your sentence with 'No offence',

because whatever words follow no offence, they will sound offensive.

Say what you want to say, apologise to them if to speak out your mind will cost you their forgiveness.

Thing that I loathe most is to feel indebted with human.

Thing that I afraid most is to hurt human's feeling if they would never forgive me.

Thing that I hope most is to have a family (if ever have any) that I could nurture us well at every high and low.

May Allah Ease.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: Should not step low to please human, should us?

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Words in .jpg Format

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I've been thinking, what else could I do to prevent this mind from becoming dull.

Well, if one (the one) read this, one must know where this title was inspired.

Well, again. You inspired me in a way.

Ah, thank Lord for being a mature human, at your age.

It was fun, it is fun, still.

And dear God, please grant him some speed in typing.

Though I shall admit, I do type fast but prone to make tons of typo (typing error).

Just on another note, I won't commit any typo if I was talking about serious matter.

For an example, I was trying hard to woo you?

Hahaha.

Now,

let's heed an image below.

***

Since internet is super slow over exceeding usage of bandwidth,

Shall share the quote,

if one shall denote them as a quote,

even if they deserved to be called as a quote,

the point is,

random thing found over internet but I adore it so,

ended up saving the images and I'm sharing it's gem with humans.

(contemplating if bots would read this blog, ah, beggar can't choose!)

ONE OF THEHARDESTDECISIONSYOU'LL EVERFACE IN LIFEIS CHOOSINGWHETHERTO WALKAWAY ORTRY HARDER.

Above is one of the images saved because they are interesting.

Sometimes, being fickle does not mean one cannot make a choice but has a problem which would satisfy his needs or which would please people around.

If I were to justify being fickle over things.

But most of the times, 

I'd know what I want.

An example again, I would go bold by saying,

"I want you."

with a straight bitch resting face, expressionless cold tone... after 5 seconds one could find me running away because of shame.

LOL.

But, what is courage?

Courage or Boldness?

Err, it depends. I don't know what sentences should I ramble to justify my random acts of boldness,

but

unfortunately the writer does wear her heart on sleeves.

One time confession is not enough? Enough?

Said an almost genius Kahlil Gibran, 

"Try, failed. Try harder, failed better.""Wait until you find someone who worth more than 3 tries."

giving me more points to ponder.

Hahha, I doooooo ponder a lot over your advises, *maybe*

:)

Till this day, date and time.

I'm still wondering if I should give up or try harder.

Even though I did remark your opinions with,

"One must know when to quit."

To counter self defense,

"One will not quit if one worth it?"

*I'm puzzled honestly*

Being practical over things,

weighing in this age, where shall find such human that could intrigue me enough,

to fight but to reconcile later,

to sulk but to crawl back sooner,

to dote and to love better?

Auwww!

*Hush*

My almost endless rant point is,

I have a lot of words in .jpg format.

Maybe could enjoy eye feasting at art gallery?

(I've been dying to sight seeing at Balai Seni Negara since forever but until now have no reason)

Reason why images are more tempting than words?

"If I rely on words, I'll be moving or circling around the ideas of the words.""Gimme pictures, I could see thing in various point of views."

See? My perception is better if it appears in form of image or at least I could picture it in mind.

I'm good at building concepts in mind.

*Imagine Iron Man 3 during the mind mapping scene*

I claim mine is better. Kahkah!

Power of imagination, honey.

Decent imagination? Double Kahkah! 

p/s: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Mungkir Janji

Ciri-ciri insan munafik;

1. Apabila berjanji, ia mungkir.
2. Apabila diberi amanah, dia khianat.
3. Apabila berantam, ia melampaui batas.

Mungkir janji.
Setiap bulan munafik.
Gagal lunas janji dengan diri sendiri.
Usahkan tunai janji, janji apa sudah lupa.

Tengah moral breakdown. Sungguh-sungguh hancur.
Tak tipu.
Yang selalu ditipu diri sendiri sahaja.
Walau kadang ada 'white lies' yang terberitahu manusia lain,

hanya untuk menyatakan yang, "Aku OKAY, jangan bimbang boleh tak?"

'White lies', dosa dengan Tuhan atau manusia aku masih fikir,
berdosa dengan Tuhan lagi mudah, bukan?
Jika dosa dengan manusia gara-gara 'white lies' tadi,
sudah sampai masa aku tulis surat amanat a la wasiat.
Surat minta ampun atas kesalahan penipuan yang pernah aku sengaja lakukan.
Sengaja berdosa?
Aku salahkan nafsu dan syaitan. Waktu tu aku dah mati, buat apa nak salahkan diri sendiri lagi.
Tunggu kena tibai dengan malaikat sahaja, atau kena celur dalam api neraka.
Nauzubillah.

Moral breakdown, cukuplah.
Mental breakdown? Setakat tekanan daripada manusia tak cukup besar kuasa mereka nak jatuhkan aku sampai gila.
Kah!
Tak gila,
menangis macam orang gila sahaja.
Menangis. Kerja buat yang paling aku benci,
jika dan hanya jika yang termengalir air mata itu, aku.
Orang lain nak menangis, tak apa.
Nak pinjam bahu boleh, nak tolong hulur tisu 2 gulung boleh,
'a shoulder to cry on' versi aku datang berpakej tisu 2 gulung dan tong sampah di tepi kaki.
Habis tisu, tunggu sekejap aku lari ambil balang kaca legap,
nak tadah air mata yang tumpah tadi.
Manis? Manis apa nya, tapi cuba untuk selalu ada. Di tiap jatuh bangun manusia.

Berbalik kepada mungkir janji.
Janji tak nak menangis sebab manusia, sebab orang buat.
Sedangkan masa arwah koma seminggu aku tak menangis,
atau sekurangnya aku tak menangis depan manusia.
Hahha, menangis depan kucing.
Kesian Yaya, terpaksa hadap aku menangis seorang-seorang.
Bila Yaya mati, masih mencari calon kucing mana bakal ganti tempat Yaya, masih tak jumpa.
Boleh lah, kau datang nak tenangkan hati aku dengan berkata,

"Ya, dugaan datang dalam bentuk manusia tu dari Tuhan jugak, Ya."
"Kau tak nampak ke Ya?"
"Dalam gerak laku manusia, roh tu, perbuatan Tuhan."

Dah lama tahu, dah lama tahu jasad tu kosong, mati lagi lemah.
Tapi...

"Tapi apa Ya? Kau nak tipu siapa tak nak menangis sebab manusia?"
"Dari Tuhan kita datang, kepada Tuhan kita kembali."

Tapi,
Tuhan ambil pergi insan yang aku sayang, tak pernah aku salahkan Dia.
Itu kan takdir, aku redha, ajal maut tak boleh elak, tak mampu nak lari.

"Tapi apa, Ya?"

Tapi kenapa manusia nak letak salah letak dia pergi atas aku?
Tak minta pun dia pergi awal, tak pernah harap dia hilang, nak selamanya dia ada sampai aku puas dengar bebel celoteh dia.
Tak boleh? Iya, sekarang bunyi macam tak redha, kan?
Bagilah peluang, aku manusia. Bukan malaikat tak berperasaan.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Boneka Ais Kering

120506122014

Perasaan sekarang tak tahu nak cakap apa.
Macam kena tipu ada,
dipermainkan pun ada.
Tapi untuk ditipu dan dipermainkan, mesti ada saham salah aku jugak kan?
Haruslah, tak boleh penat untuk salahkan diri sendiri dulu.
Dan kerja buat tingkahlaku ada balasannya.
Jadi, selepas salahkan diri sendiri.
Kita, kita mula bodohkan diri sendiri, dalam erti kata mengaku yang diri ni jahil (tidak tahu),
pilih untuk jahil (untuk tidak mengambil tahu),
kerana menjadi 'ignorant' sudah terlalu dibanggakan dan dibiasakan.
Perihal yang terbiasakan,
salah diri juga. Semua salah diri sebelum salahkan orang lain.
Itu sahaja.

Rasional tak tahu nak rasa apa selepas tertipu.
Untuk diri,
siapa suruh mudah percaya orang bulat-bulat.
Sekarang dah meremang bulu roma rasa bungkam dalam dada.
Rasa yang memberat, dada yang bergolak hebat.
Bergolak tidak tahu mahu rasanya apa.
Rasa diperbodohkan tidak seronok. Tidak enak.
Dan, untuk dibodohkan perlu beri percaya buta dahulu, sebelum tunding jari kepada penipu?
Mungkin sahaja aku boleh gelar dia, mereka, topeng-topeng kaca; tukang layar terbaik abad ini.
Aku pula boneka di layar merah, dipetakan rentak oleh tari tukang layar tadi.
Mungkin ini rasa Didi dalam aA+bB.
Mungkin ini rasa dipermainkan selepas kita bagi percaya dan kejujuran.
Rasa yang selepas menaip baris patah-patah teratas.
Rasa yang telah kutemu.
Rasa pahit, lebih pahit dari hempedu.

Jie,
ayat semalam makan prinsip aku kembali.

Jie,
"Menanam konsep redha dalam diri dan hati."
"Pahit pun boleh telan, kan?"
"Sedang dalam diri pun memang ada elemen pahit, hempedu, 'bile acid'."
"Apalah sangat pahit rasa emosi."

Jie,
sahaja aku telan kembali empat ayat yang terluah, semalam.
Pahit.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Untuk pengajaran yang tidak putus datang.
Sayang, terima kasih. DugaMu tanda sayang.
Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan.
Bertahan kerana berTuhan.
Dan ini malam aku telan segala prinsip yang pernah dilaungkan; lantang.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Sepatah

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Rasa, dah patut mulakan tabiat jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Kecuali soalan anak-anak saudara,

minda kanak-kanak sedang berkembang memang akan banyak bertanya.

Ibarat iklan susu formula di televisyen,

"Menggalakkan sambungan neuron-neuron otak."

Tapi adik-beradik dulu, membesar dengan susu cap gantung, wakaka.

Sebab anak Mama ni memilih tak nak minum susu lembu,

anak Mama ni anak manusia berlagaknya.

Allah!

Habis, engko ingat yang suap anak-anak kecil mereka dengan susu formula tu sengaja bagi minum susu lembu?

Susu kambing?

Ah, kalau susu kucing boleh dieksploitasi,

susu kucing pun orang niagakan, mungkin.

Sebab pernah jumpa manusia yang memandang sinis akan ibu muda yang memberi minum anak dalam botol.

Bodoh. Sepatah. Untuk prejudis.

Bebal. Sepatah. Untuk skeptik.

Cubalah berfikiran baik tentang manusia, (husnuzhon).

Mana tahu dalam botol tu susu perahan ke?

Mana tahu si ibu sudah kekeringan sampai tak boleh menyusu anak sendiri?

Tambah lagi ibu beranak sulung,

engko ingat boleh keluar terus macam coklat mencurah ke ladang gandum?

Nah, bodoh dan bebal sebab cepat menghukum.

*seronok berlagak jadi Tuhan, bukan*

Tapi, sebagai perempuan bujang yang mungkin dilabel bebal bodoh kemudian hari, 

"Sudahlah bujang, ada hati punya nafsu nak nasihatkan kami yang berkeluarga."
"Maaf, kakak, ibu sekalian. Saya minta bersangka baik sahaja."

Dah kalau si ibu sengaja bagi anak susu formula dari umur sehari lagi, nak cakap apa?

Engko istighfar, senyum dan mula perlahan-lahan buat suara hasutan,

"Eh, you tak tahu ker? Kalau anak menyusu badan, body you akan cepat lansing?! OMG, I love your body..."

Alar, biarlah bunyi bimbo ker gedik semacam,

tapi niat nak menghasut supaya si ibu tadi beri susu badan ke anak,

apa salahnya.

Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak-ibu, kot.

inshaAllah tak jadi kejadian kurang kasih sayang keluarga,

err,

tak tahu. Tapi doanya begitu.

Berbalik kepada persoalan asal.

Dulu, iya.

Memang jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Sehinggalah ter-berkenalan dengan seketul hamba Tuhan enam tahun lepas.

Ter?

Sebab tak jangka penghujung kami begini.

Dia sebuah sejarah dan pengajaran. 

Syukur juga,

Tuhan letak takdir di awal aku kenal dunia, aku kenal dia.

Dia yang pernah menjadi 'crush', kahkah.

Gelaklah.

Dia yang aku rasa bukan cinta, sejenis obsesi sahaja.

Dia yang di mata sekarang, seperti kembar Abah versi muda.

Dia yang hadir selepas Abah tiada.

Dia yang mengajar diri menaip ejaan penuh kurang etika rempit.

(Zaman SMS tengah rancak, semua vokal konsonan dicantas)

Jadi, berasbabkan dia kaki drama,

suka jelaskan apa-apa panjang lebar sampai habis aksara 1 muka surat SMS.

Belajar daripada dia.

Takkan orang taip mesej panjang-panjang kita nak balas sepatah, kan?

Dah lah dalam satu mesej, ada 3-4 soalan dia bedil.

Terdidik menjadi teliti dalam membalas, penuh penerangan dan kadang terjangkit perangai kaki drama dia.

Mr Pujangga. Kelewang.

Dia sejenis 'unrequited love' selama 5-6 tahun, 

sampai hampir semua manusia yang muncul depan mata cuba-cuba rasa,

aku akan bandingkan dengan dia.

Gila!

Gila, bukan?

Iya, dia bukan cinta.

Cuma sejenis obsesi diri yang buta tentang hidup dan rasa.

Dia ibarat malaikat pelindung yang mengelakkan diri daripada menjadi seekor 'playgirl' pemunah rasa lelaki yang berjaya.

Walau tak dinafikan, hampir suku abad hidup,

hampir 10 orang dah 'confess' dan ditolak bodoh-bodoh kerana dia.

Hahaha. 

Bodoh sungguh.

Tapi, itulah.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.

Dia di mana sekarang?

Dia masih ada, mengajar di hulu sana.

Sekarang berkeputusan untuk putuskan hubungan obsesi tak cerdik ini.

Makin waras,

Alhamdulillah.

Sudah tidak membanding semua lelaki kepadanya.

Putus kerana sudah tidak punya sebab untuk berhubungan lagi.

Hendak bertanya khabar, tidak tahu rasa.

Janggal. 

Ralat.

Dia sendiri sudah tidak menyebut nama.

Hanya seketul "Dia" jika dia tertanya khabarku kepada kawan kami.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana menggerakkan hati hambaMu nan jahil ini untuk kenal dengannya.

Ramadhan 2008.

Sedang berlatih membalas persoalan manusia, sepatah-sepatah.

Sekarang aku rasa, 

bebelan panjang tiada makna.

Coretan panjang, terlalu kisah gayanya.

Sedang membancuh simen untuk konkritkan hati dengan pujuk rayu manusia.

Soft sides (sisi lembut) dah banyak kali terpijak, dipijakkan. 

Penat.

Penat memberi perhatian.

Bukan untuk dihargai,

cuma penat.

Diri ini manusia, bukan malaikat.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Tatasusila

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: moga Tuhan memberkati hidup matimu.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Abyss of Gigolo-ness.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Being a middle child, almost had it all except a little brother.

The youngest was dead during infancy about 8 days after struggling in NICU.

Mom said, she looks like me when she was little.

And she is also the only one with different name's initial; Siti Fatimah.

I asked her, why named her so?

She replied, there was this matron, advised mom to gave the late that name.

Rest in peace.

Why do bother to talk about dead sinless people?

Because I've always been dreaming to have a younger brother.

Expecting my sister to get married faster, so that I could have one,

she laughed at me.

"No! Tak nak langkah bendul."

Stunned, what the fish. Langkah bendul apanya,

nak nikah, nikah sahaja, lah. I don't mind.

Since I know, I might be dead before marrying anyone.

Boo! Sound pessimist?

Nope, just facing reality. Had to weigh all possible ends.

"What will happen, happens. What may happen, one could pray for it not to happen."

There, I said it.

Getting back on track relating abyss of gigoloness.

Mior buzzed me over my decision to deactivate twitter account.

Praising himself high thinking he was the first person to realise I was gone.

Alolo, comelnya. (He'd hate me for writing this)

But you asked for it.

Thus, Muahaha!?

hahaha. *sincere laugh*

Abyss of gigolo-ness,

he did come with such phrase. Of course I'd like to have him as a brother,

but 'Cinta tak boleh dipaksa' and the hell am I to break his relationship with his significant other.

Err, since my little sister has her own standard about man.

I rest such thought.

On another note, I had this notion since I was young, during hostel life or even university,

senior or sophomore was busy eyeing freshies to make them so called 'Adik Angkat'.

Hahaha.

I would went, "Meh! The fish..."

Thinking I had enough drama with my own siblings, the-considerate-generous-sister, every-day-I-nag-brother, half-a-woman-little sister.

LOL.

Aktiviti beradik-adik angkat is a waste of time.

If I want to dote on anyone, I'd keep them well.

Our 'ship' need no label. As long as we know, we are doing deeds to other humans?

Sebagai saudara seakidah, hablumminannas,

Saudara semakhluk, kena adil.

Though, I shall admit such action can be perceived as being selectively treating people?

Oh, come on!

For once just admit,

you had someone whom you like or adore most.

Mior?

Haha, he is a human whom grown old beyond his age.

Gigolo? Pray for I would be rich enough to sponsor 'makhluk-makhluk Tuhan di jalan jihad - belajar'.

Tunggu habis bayar hutang.

Hutang kan wajib bayar.

Lapor diri ke KKM Januari nanti, inshaAllah will try to plan and manage money wisely.

Sedekah apa yang patut, jolly some on parent.

And to those whom used to think we went broke since dad is no longer around.

Shame on you?

And thank you for making us ponder about our self value.

LOL. We went broke. Jeez.

Sebab dia (makhluk) tu lupa, rezki ni datang kut duit sahaja mungkin.

Mungkin, lah.

Kesimpulan,

abyss of gigoloness.

It depends on how you perceive gigolo?

Hahha, if one were to define what a gigolo is, a noun.

I might be stoned to death to try to argue about their stance,

but,

there is always a but.

My intention is to sponsor people whom want to study.

Not exploiting any in sexual term.

Astagfirullah.

We do know, mind could go dull due to money constraint.

Been there, felt that, embrace that, hate that.

Hate being broke.

(read: I don't want to ask money from parent, will survive from what I have."

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat Nak Belanja Wang ke Mana?

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: are you not entertained? Hahaha ;)

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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