The Other Side

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

Existential Crisis




Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?
Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,
one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,
but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,
he may has killed himself first before anyone else.
If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.
What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?
The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?
How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?
Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?
What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,
"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.
It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.
Though one shall argue,
one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.
Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.
Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.
Does anyone has thought of this even once?
I don't want to be an odd ball.
Hahah.
*chuckling over agitation*
Hahah.
Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,
I do not know how to continue this,
just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::


p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.



Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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