Jumping Conversation || Random

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Yo!
Feelin' a bit funky every now and then,
practically previous sentence is a lie.
Hardly updating any entry per month.
Perfect excuse is I jump into labor wagon,
enslaving life to work or passion,
ending days with whines and anticipation.
Lel.

The Labor Wagon:

Ain't getting comfy seat,
ain't booking any bunk but the ride
cause you bumps on head leading to
think-less state...

There, almost perfect excuse,
which is hardly true too.
Urgh, I don't know.
Phew!

Maybe not thinking much on people lately,
concentrating on being an ignoramus into perfection.
Maybe some issues keep cycling and bore me,
where extremist doesn't entertaining like puppet with strings on fire,
loosely relevant but jumpy they still.

Hell, what am I rambling.

Random popped inquisition:
I never find cursing is ever charming.
Casually using b*tch, f*ck and many more.
But sadly I do find hell, arse, bloody is not as bad as above example.
I do not know.
Anyhow,
making cursing a habit may be high chance do not provide a person with a decent image,
As a lady, as a man, a child.

Urgh, I do not know.

There. Lost some touch maybe.
Another excuse, maybe.

Toodles.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Caged Enrage | Madness

Have you ever feel like killing someone?

Murderous thought which doesn't make self being your own victim.

Nope, I do not have any suggestive vote on suicide but sometimes,

we do wanna kill a human?

If and only if such act is legal.

If and only if human is merely pest.

If and only if we could do anything what we want (to practice animal-ish life).

Hahah!

I don't always get mad at people to extent of getting rid them off my face near instant...

Nope, I don't.

Last time I was too mad at someone was in 2008,

too occupied in inexpressive anger that made me cried instead.

Plain idiot.

Why must crying represent weakness?

Feeling weak and vulnerable for crying over anger is pure idiocy.

I loathe frail character.

After these very 7 years,

a frail character managed to snap my sane.

Doesn't she know I barely keep my sane intact, eh!

Nah, ain't barely keeping sane but patience intact.

She tested my patience well. Kudos!

Picture a frail character, soft spoken voice, a lady-like suave tied to a bull-headed stubbornness.

Read that bull-headed stubbornness as an unnecessary being stubborn at wrong time, so called being independent almost every wrong occasions.

Ahah!

I hate your guts. I hate your attitude of fragile facade.

Because behind that cotton candy coating, there is a BS core within.

Hahah!

By this moment, I have low tolerance to BS.

It is okay for me if you admit your BS attitude or behaviour to my face,

but to fake it and being pretentious,

I really wanna punch that 'pretty face' of yours saying,

"Cut all craps, I know your game. Save it for others who doesn't know, yet."

So I admit, "I'm fake and hypocrite too."

No pretense.

Sadly, not everyone could walk their fake mask proud on hallway or to flaunt it on runway.

I may be a smug with too many BS and confidence.

But, please drop your facade.

I read your moves even before you mill churns anything.

Oh! I was judged too and being compared to you. LOL

When I have this happy-go-lucky image, went all funky easy going friendly with others,

you got this stuck up preserving 'ikhtilat' facade, the most lady like,

the most wanted 'in-law' anyone could ever get.

Trust me,

I stuck around you enough to know your theories and practicals on surviving life is near zero.

When I thought I am an ignoramus smug,

girl, why do you beat my title to lack common sense and being an ignorant at the same time.

Though I have to credit you because it is due,

"Girl, you love to trouble yourself with BLOODSHOT unnecessary things (read: helping others who doesn't even need your help but using you instead)."

Should I spit "padan muka" for not setting your priority right or "padan muka" for being too courteous with manipulating human.

Sadly, 

I tried to straighten you up many times,

being supportive and all before I realise,

you bring upon all these dooms to yourself.

Your choice.

Thus, do have fun with your imaginary scoliosis, girl.

I don't know who could knock any sense into your head.

Trying to calm down,

post 2 days of annoyance.

Misguided,

Lighthouse.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Breaking Point | Let's Bend Till One Breaks

Bismillah.

Betul ke kewujudan anak-anak yang tidak bercita-cita tinggi atau punya impian yang besar,

ibu bapa anak-anak tadi telah gagal semasa mendidik mereka?

Heh.

I don't know.

Bloody blood shot ambitious thinking too far ahead, thick skull thick headed human;

is the writer.

Oh,

playlist is playing Here With Me by The Killers but mind is so caught up in SheWolf (Falling to Pieces) by Sia.

Unhealthy attachment to wolf.

Lone wolf.

Not a hyena, not a lioness, not evens a pussy cat.

A wolf.

Back to statement in the first sentence.

If that were true,

I shall deliver a load of gracious to late dad for being a constant motivator.

Always tell me,

"You must know how to pick up yourself after every fall."

No, his words ain't exactly those but,

he made me realize why I should work my arse off to get what I want,

do live by certain rules,

guided by particular principles,

regardless both of us are like fire and oil when went head to head.

Thou those days were over,

such rebel won't be forgotten cause guilt still have a ride on my back.

Soon, I'll bury these dead horses (guilt) and learn how to forgive self.

An ignorant nincompoop child.

Hahah.

Situation kills.

During growing up period,

having a too successful big sister, a special brother and a lil sister (she has nothing to do with my bench marks),

had set aim too high,

worrying every possible questions filled with doubts;

they’ll be singing;

"What if I did not succeed..."
"What if I turn out to be the black sheep in the family?"
"What if I failed to be equally successful like her?"
"What if... "

many other things a silly kid could think at the moment.

Roads taken were not all pretty, there are rough patches,

did great, alhamdulillah till I found my breaking point in 2006.

Yeah,

that female dog bite us hard.

It leaves scars and forever lingers flashing its presence.

How does one define a breaking point?

Let's imagine a human like a spring or rubber band.

*Oh, God, no! Now Elastic Heart by Sia plays*

According to theory of kinetic energy?,

kahkah,

when a spring has reached its limit when it doesn't expand or stretch anymore,

till it snapped and broke.

A broken spring.

Gedemmit,

a human approaching breaking point is like a spring reaching its limit.

-..-

Apparently,

I worried too much when I was a kid.

being thoughtless for thinking too much is ironic and funny.

Almost 10 years later,

learnt a lesson that,

"Not everyone has same path or timeline in life."

To lost that, to achieve this,

to being broke and broken,

to be left out and unheard,

to be taken care off too much till it suffocates,

to lead a rebellion of skeletons in the closet.

Love,

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

You are not alone.

Creatures are creation.

It is The Creator that we need to put our faith in.

Too much pride you have, love.

It is okay to fall, every once in a while,

every now and then.

It is okay.

You are human, ain’t angels nor devils.

We are gonna be the craziest parents ever! hahah.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Existential Crisis

Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?

Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,

one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,

but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,

he may has killed himself first before anyone else.

If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.

What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?

The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?

Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?

What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,

"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.

It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.

Though one shall argue,

one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.

Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.

Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.

Does anyone has thought of this even once?

I don't want to be an odd ball.

Hahah.

*chuckling over agitation*

Hahah.

Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,

I do not know how to continue this,

just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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