Memories: How to Forget and Forgive Self

Assalam and greetings,

It was a situation accidental death 

sudden one.

A babe of mine once mentioned how she felt,

how to cope with such abundance of feelings.

...

It was a death of a random frog at her house car porch

Accidentally rolled over an anonymous animal.

A frog to begin with.

Does life of a frog matter?

Would it worth it to lament over such incident?

What she did to such pity small animal, is it a sin for a believer?

If not a sin, would and could she kept rolling over frog or whatever insect at her house yards?

So I told her not to give a rat's arse about a dead animal, let alone a person...

To stand corrected,

Provided that she does not have any memories with the dead entity.

Asked her,

"DO YOU EVER HAVE ANY MEMORIES WITH THAT FROG?"

She laughed hard,

more to shrillig like a banshee right after she was about to feel sad and guilty.

"Twas a good hypothesis to play around."

All of us must have had lost some or too many one's we love.

But this story is on a death of a frog.

For a knocking over a person, it's another different coping mechanism.

Maybe we'll go deep soon.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Caged Enrage | Madness

Have you ever feel like killing someone?

Murderous thought which doesn't make self being your own victim.

Nope, I do not have any suggestive vote on suicide but sometimes,

we do wanna kill a human?

If and only if such act is legal.

If and only if human is merely pest.

If and only if we could do anything what we want (to practice animal-ish life).

Hahah!

I don't always get mad at people to extent of getting rid them off my face near instant...

Nope, I don't.

Last time I was too mad at someone was in 2008,

too occupied in inexpressive anger that made me cried instead.

Plain idiot.

Why must crying represent weakness?

Feeling weak and vulnerable for crying over anger is pure idiocy.

I loathe frail character.

After these very 7 years,

a frail character managed to snap my sane.

Doesn't she know I barely keep my sane intact, eh!

Nah, ain't barely keeping sane but patience intact.

She tested my patience well. Kudos!

Picture a frail character, soft spoken voice, a lady-like suave tied to a bull-headed stubbornness.

Read that bull-headed stubbornness as an unnecessary being stubborn at wrong time, so called being independent almost every wrong occasions.

Ahah!

I hate your guts. I hate your attitude of fragile facade.

Because behind that cotton candy coating, there is a BS core within.

Hahah!

By this moment, I have low tolerance to BS.

It is okay for me if you admit your BS attitude or behaviour to my face,

but to fake it and being pretentious,

I really wanna punch that 'pretty face' of yours saying,

"Cut all craps, I know your game. Save it for others who doesn't know, yet."

So I admit, "I'm fake and hypocrite too."

No pretense.

Sadly, not everyone could walk their fake mask proud on hallway or to flaunt it on runway.

I may be a smug with too many BS and confidence.

But, please drop your facade.

I read your moves even before you mill churns anything.

Oh! I was judged too and being compared to you. LOL

When I have this happy-go-lucky image, went all funky easy going friendly with others,

you got this stuck up preserving 'ikhtilat' facade, the most lady like,

the most wanted 'in-law' anyone could ever get.

Trust me,

I stuck around you enough to know your theories and practicals on surviving life is near zero.

When I thought I am an ignoramus smug,

girl, why do you beat my title to lack common sense and being an ignorant at the same time.

Though I have to credit you because it is due,

"Girl, you love to trouble yourself with BLOODSHOT unnecessary things (read: helping others who doesn't even need your help but using you instead)."

Should I spit "padan muka" for not setting your priority right or "padan muka" for being too courteous with manipulating human.

Sadly, 

I tried to straighten you up many times,

being supportive and all before I realise,

you bring upon all these dooms to yourself.

Your choice.

Thus, do have fun with your imaginary scoliosis, girl.

I don't know who could knock any sense into your head.

Trying to calm down,

post 2 days of annoyance.

Misguided,

Lighthouse.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Live Like a Total Brat

... with screwed views on love.

I could hardly remember when I started having this notion,

"Say NO to puppy love!"

"No dating until you'd done studying."

Those kinds of chants or principles I would denote them so.

Maybe yes and maybe not.

It started when I was a kid.

Was a less girlish back then, when was little.

To climb trees, jumping from one branch to another, to play around with boys,

extreme level of hide and seek till got a jab of tetanus shot for rusty nails prick.

Ah!

I did burn one of mom's Tupperware collection.

We were playing cooking with real fire,

boiling water for drinks, out of curiosity I burnt a plastic container with a pure stupidity plastic would not melt.

No, the crime scene was behind a post office, next to our neighbourhood.

People say stuff like don't shit where you eat.

Muahaha!

That could explain much our parents still not know about that menace (maybe or they stay shut?)

Loss count to how many mirrors I had broken for my experiments with fire and cold water.

*they are the mirrors one could get on round-shaped back in the 90s sharpener*

Not that I had too many boys friend but it was not a cute and cuddly childhood.

Let alone rebellious phase.

*I miss Along, he was my neighbour's cousin. All I could remember is he was in green school uniform (KRS?)*

Then I entered primary education.

Was a bully. Standard two, were separated from bully gang ended up studying in nerdy class.

Primary school's memory we are not all rainbows and sunshine.

I was sluggish, heck yeah!

Filled with angst and ignorance.

Living in own world, hardly could mingle (being a PTS student was quite a curse)

Don't really fit in. Back in those years,

I learnt;

1. Pretty girl will be wooed by boys
2. Students favours over teacher
3. Hitting puberty is another hell (for others)
4. I don't really miss those years.

Hard to admit but maybe those earlier notions I got when I saw those pretty girls lingering around puppy love didn't really succeed.

*That was my school, I do not know about yours*

Those maybe the years when silently anarchism creeping in.

Hahha!

but I do, I don't do much wheedle hardly I flatter people for my advantages.

Why would I? Kissing arse is not something to be proud of.

Or maybe I was jealous that I'm not pretty neat enough back then?

HAHAHA. Nope, not a pinch.

Still, the same scenario keep repeating itself in high school.

Those pretty girls, kissing arse flock, I chose to become a PRS.

The safest choice?

Anyhow,

what is up with puppy love?

Are they really harmful?

I watched two movies tonight: If I Stay (laptop) and Flipped on DIVA.

They made me think if I could grow up once again,

would I try to fall in love at early age?

With this mind now; NO I do not want to grow up once again, a mistake is a mistake.

Must dang girl learn well from it or learn from others' mistakes.

We ain't live that long.

This thought left me wonder,

what would I have become if I had a lover or a few before.

Must be funny, I would be damaged than I am.

Imagine this,

without puppy love or several heartbreaks,

my view on love is way too screwed.

Had trust issue for a trust is to gain.

Well, had a few crushes before but they are all almost smart, witty, charismatic people.

Another curse: a sapiosexual.

Being a so called PRS, I witnessed and lent too many shoulders for beloveds' heartbreaks.

May have glued their broken pieces of hearts.

May have curse or mock some of those guys.

Yeah, another notion of mine.

Don't mess with my girls; I'll let you suffer on death bed (figuratively) pondering your wrongdoings.

Hehe.

So, here I am.

Still with screwed views on love.

Considering whom should I believe and give my trust.

Who could surpass this imaginary wonder wall of mine.

If I wasn't a dry heart jerk, might perform as a well lived playgirl back in those days.

Thank God for these hardened principles.

Status: thinking who worth to spent time, thought, effort, money, heart, prayers on.

Hahha!

p/s: hurted tongue, munched too much M&M :(

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Surat Buat Tuhan

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

(muzik latar: Note to God by Charice)

Jasad ber-Ruh,

Tanah,

Bumi,

Galaksi Bima Sakti,

Alam Semesta.

Tuhan,

Yang Utama tiada Dua, Allahu-ahad. Tuhan nan Tunggal Maha Wujud, Mengetahui dan Adil. 

Terima kasih Tuhan. Alhamdulillah kupanjangkan syukur kepadaMu.

Terima kasih untuk hidayah yang diberikan. Sesungguhnya sebagai sejenis makhluk yang berakal, dulu hambaMu tidak cerap bagaimana mahu melihat hikmah dan pengajaran dalam kehidupan. 

Tuhan, terima kasih. HambaMu ini mengambil masa 6 tahun untuk mencari redho kenapa nyawa arwah diambil awal. Ruh arwah berpisah lekas dari badan. Dahulu jahil, kini masih jahil. HidayahMu Tuhan, seperti tamparan kasar keras ke pipi. Jika manusia cuba bertanya-tanya apa rasa kehilangan? 

Tuhan, kehilangan itu pahit, perit, pedih, sakit, tak terluah dibibir untuk insan sepertiku. Insan yang tak mampu nak luah semua cerita kurang manis. Insan yang tak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi rasa. Insan yang tidak pernah punya apa-apa tanpa rahmatMu. 

Tuhan, hingga kini aku masih cuba hidup sebagai seorang manusia menjadi petunjuk...

***

I couldn't bring myself to finish this letter. Frankly speaking, writing this is not easy.

Rose Kennedy quote:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Scarred and scared. How did I survive this almost a quarter century, living almost a decade regretting my mistakes, arrogance and stupidity. I miss him so much.

Dear God, 

Spare him your Mercy and Blessings. Let him rest in peace. Put him in the place of loved ones. 

Amen!

Me,

(Miss-almost-always-misguided)

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Being Apologetic

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I'm sorry.

My apology.

I apologize for ...

Honestly, I don't know.

Remember how the world make fun or adore Canadian's manner over being apologetic at almost every situation.

I'm no a Canadian but in my point of view,

to being rude or polite, it does not count what country you were born in, what colour of your skin may be tinted with, what race would you belong.

To own such manner, apologetic or not,

it comes from brought up of one's family,

if the family was broken,

the manner came from one's life principles as long as he breathe.

Yes, we could see how well behave a human become from a miserable household,

we could even see how bad a human turned out from a happy family,

we could see how an orphan ended up being a masked devil or winged angel.

Now we are about to reflect to see which categories we fall in.

Which is yours?

Advertisement: I was watching Berlari ke Bintang whilst typing this,

wow, oh, wow! That wife is a bitch!

Her husband and kid (Intan) are almost an angel.

A stingy judgemental bitch.

Now pray unmarried young lad, for you must find a decent wife to marry, not a bitch nor trophy wife.

Pray to God, till your knees hurt.

*I rarely watch Malay drama because of screwed up scripts, but this drama is good*

May God bless the production crews.

Getting back again,

which caterogy do I fall into?

I apologise too much.

I'm sorry for being me,

sorry that I hurted you,

my apology if my presence ever tilted your balanced world.

Silly enough to ask for human's forgiveness over being alive?

Am I an ungrateful servant of God?

Was I trying hard to please human over the Almighty?

Let those questions seep in deep in heart while repenting every mistakes I had done, or might do.

The sinner.

Subconciously following heart's desire, The Nafs.

Conciously following misguided brain, The Thinker.

What if I tell you, my ultimate escapism is sleep, Half Dead.

My soul would leave the body, the Jasad (body) would be incapable to add any sins into heavily darkened book of deed?

How one could be so sure by sleeping, one could escape making any sins?

Or at least one could hope his sleep turned into an Ibadah (The Deed)?

I don't know, sincerely I do not know.

I'm a human, for one could try (The Intention) to stop commit sins.

May God count my good will, and may He Erase and put halt to any evil will to others (The Makhluk).

Let me tell you,

never start your sentence with 'No offence',

because whatever words follow no offence, they will sound offensive.

Say what you want to say, apologise to them if to speak out your mind will cost you their forgiveness.

Thing that I loathe most is to feel indebted with human.

Thing that I afraid most is to hurt human's feeling if they would never forgive me.

Thing that I hope most is to have a family (if ever have any) that I could nurture us well at every high and low.

May Allah Ease.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: Should not step low to please human, should us?

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Mungkir Janji

Ciri-ciri insan munafik;

1. Apabila berjanji, ia mungkir.
2. Apabila diberi amanah, dia khianat.
3. Apabila berantam, ia melampaui batas.

Mungkir janji.
Setiap bulan munafik.
Gagal lunas janji dengan diri sendiri.
Usahkan tunai janji, janji apa sudah lupa.

Tengah moral breakdown. Sungguh-sungguh hancur.
Tak tipu.
Yang selalu ditipu diri sendiri sahaja.
Walau kadang ada 'white lies' yang terberitahu manusia lain,

hanya untuk menyatakan yang, "Aku OKAY, jangan bimbang boleh tak?"

'White lies', dosa dengan Tuhan atau manusia aku masih fikir,
berdosa dengan Tuhan lagi mudah, bukan?
Jika dosa dengan manusia gara-gara 'white lies' tadi,
sudah sampai masa aku tulis surat amanat a la wasiat.
Surat minta ampun atas kesalahan penipuan yang pernah aku sengaja lakukan.
Sengaja berdosa?
Aku salahkan nafsu dan syaitan. Waktu tu aku dah mati, buat apa nak salahkan diri sendiri lagi.
Tunggu kena tibai dengan malaikat sahaja, atau kena celur dalam api neraka.
Nauzubillah.

Moral breakdown, cukuplah.
Mental breakdown? Setakat tekanan daripada manusia tak cukup besar kuasa mereka nak jatuhkan aku sampai gila.
Kah!
Tak gila,
menangis macam orang gila sahaja.
Menangis. Kerja buat yang paling aku benci,
jika dan hanya jika yang termengalir air mata itu, aku.
Orang lain nak menangis, tak apa.
Nak pinjam bahu boleh, nak tolong hulur tisu 2 gulung boleh,
'a shoulder to cry on' versi aku datang berpakej tisu 2 gulung dan tong sampah di tepi kaki.
Habis tisu, tunggu sekejap aku lari ambil balang kaca legap,
nak tadah air mata yang tumpah tadi.
Manis? Manis apa nya, tapi cuba untuk selalu ada. Di tiap jatuh bangun manusia.

Berbalik kepada mungkir janji.
Janji tak nak menangis sebab manusia, sebab orang buat.
Sedangkan masa arwah koma seminggu aku tak menangis,
atau sekurangnya aku tak menangis depan manusia.
Hahha, menangis depan kucing.
Kesian Yaya, terpaksa hadap aku menangis seorang-seorang.
Bila Yaya mati, masih mencari calon kucing mana bakal ganti tempat Yaya, masih tak jumpa.
Boleh lah, kau datang nak tenangkan hati aku dengan berkata,

"Ya, dugaan datang dalam bentuk manusia tu dari Tuhan jugak, Ya."
"Kau tak nampak ke Ya?"
"Dalam gerak laku manusia, roh tu, perbuatan Tuhan."

Dah lama tahu, dah lama tahu jasad tu kosong, mati lagi lemah.
Tapi...

"Tapi apa Ya? Kau nak tipu siapa tak nak menangis sebab manusia?"
"Dari Tuhan kita datang, kepada Tuhan kita kembali."

Tapi,
Tuhan ambil pergi insan yang aku sayang, tak pernah aku salahkan Dia.
Itu kan takdir, aku redha, ajal maut tak boleh elak, tak mampu nak lari.

"Tapi apa, Ya?"

Tapi kenapa manusia nak letak salah letak dia pergi atas aku?
Tak minta pun dia pergi awal, tak pernah harap dia hilang, nak selamanya dia ada sampai aku puas dengar bebel celoteh dia.
Tak boleh? Iya, sekarang bunyi macam tak redha, kan?
Bagilah peluang, aku manusia. Bukan malaikat tak berperasaan.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Boneka Ais Kering

120506122014

Perasaan sekarang tak tahu nak cakap apa.
Macam kena tipu ada,
dipermainkan pun ada.
Tapi untuk ditipu dan dipermainkan, mesti ada saham salah aku jugak kan?
Haruslah, tak boleh penat untuk salahkan diri sendiri dulu.
Dan kerja buat tingkahlaku ada balasannya.
Jadi, selepas salahkan diri sendiri.
Kita, kita mula bodohkan diri sendiri, dalam erti kata mengaku yang diri ni jahil (tidak tahu),
pilih untuk jahil (untuk tidak mengambil tahu),
kerana menjadi 'ignorant' sudah terlalu dibanggakan dan dibiasakan.
Perihal yang terbiasakan,
salah diri juga. Semua salah diri sebelum salahkan orang lain.
Itu sahaja.

Rasional tak tahu nak rasa apa selepas tertipu.
Untuk diri,
siapa suruh mudah percaya orang bulat-bulat.
Sekarang dah meremang bulu roma rasa bungkam dalam dada.
Rasa yang memberat, dada yang bergolak hebat.
Bergolak tidak tahu mahu rasanya apa.
Rasa diperbodohkan tidak seronok. Tidak enak.
Dan, untuk dibodohkan perlu beri percaya buta dahulu, sebelum tunding jari kepada penipu?
Mungkin sahaja aku boleh gelar dia, mereka, topeng-topeng kaca; tukang layar terbaik abad ini.
Aku pula boneka di layar merah, dipetakan rentak oleh tari tukang layar tadi.
Mungkin ini rasa Didi dalam aA+bB.
Mungkin ini rasa dipermainkan selepas kita bagi percaya dan kejujuran.
Rasa yang selepas menaip baris patah-patah teratas.
Rasa yang telah kutemu.
Rasa pahit, lebih pahit dari hempedu.

Jie,
ayat semalam makan prinsip aku kembali.

Jie,
"Menanam konsep redha dalam diri dan hati."
"Pahit pun boleh telan, kan?"
"Sedang dalam diri pun memang ada elemen pahit, hempedu, 'bile acid'."
"Apalah sangat pahit rasa emosi."

Jie,
sahaja aku telan kembali empat ayat yang terluah, semalam.
Pahit.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Untuk pengajaran yang tidak putus datang.
Sayang, terima kasih. DugaMu tanda sayang.
Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan.
Bertahan kerana berTuhan.
Dan ini malam aku telan segala prinsip yang pernah dilaungkan; lantang.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Sepatah

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Rasa, dah patut mulakan tabiat jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Kecuali soalan anak-anak saudara,

minda kanak-kanak sedang berkembang memang akan banyak bertanya.

Ibarat iklan susu formula di televisyen,

"Menggalakkan sambungan neuron-neuron otak."

Tapi adik-beradik dulu, membesar dengan susu cap gantung, wakaka.

Sebab anak Mama ni memilih tak nak minum susu lembu,

anak Mama ni anak manusia berlagaknya.

Allah!

Habis, engko ingat yang suap anak-anak kecil mereka dengan susu formula tu sengaja bagi minum susu lembu?

Susu kambing?

Ah, kalau susu kucing boleh dieksploitasi,

susu kucing pun orang niagakan, mungkin.

Sebab pernah jumpa manusia yang memandang sinis akan ibu muda yang memberi minum anak dalam botol.

Bodoh. Sepatah. Untuk prejudis.

Bebal. Sepatah. Untuk skeptik.

Cubalah berfikiran baik tentang manusia, (husnuzhon).

Mana tahu dalam botol tu susu perahan ke?

Mana tahu si ibu sudah kekeringan sampai tak boleh menyusu anak sendiri?

Tambah lagi ibu beranak sulung,

engko ingat boleh keluar terus macam coklat mencurah ke ladang gandum?

Nah, bodoh dan bebal sebab cepat menghukum.

*seronok berlagak jadi Tuhan, bukan*

Tapi, sebagai perempuan bujang yang mungkin dilabel bebal bodoh kemudian hari, 

"Sudahlah bujang, ada hati punya nafsu nak nasihatkan kami yang berkeluarga."
"Maaf, kakak, ibu sekalian. Saya minta bersangka baik sahaja."

Dah kalau si ibu sengaja bagi anak susu formula dari umur sehari lagi, nak cakap apa?

Engko istighfar, senyum dan mula perlahan-lahan buat suara hasutan,

"Eh, you tak tahu ker? Kalau anak menyusu badan, body you akan cepat lansing?! OMG, I love your body..."

Alar, biarlah bunyi bimbo ker gedik semacam,

tapi niat nak menghasut supaya si ibu tadi beri susu badan ke anak,

apa salahnya.

Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak-ibu, kot.

inshaAllah tak jadi kejadian kurang kasih sayang keluarga,

err,

tak tahu. Tapi doanya begitu.

Berbalik kepada persoalan asal.

Dulu, iya.

Memang jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Sehinggalah ter-berkenalan dengan seketul hamba Tuhan enam tahun lepas.

Ter?

Sebab tak jangka penghujung kami begini.

Dia sebuah sejarah dan pengajaran. 

Syukur juga,

Tuhan letak takdir di awal aku kenal dunia, aku kenal dia.

Dia yang pernah menjadi 'crush', kahkah.

Gelaklah.

Dia yang aku rasa bukan cinta, sejenis obsesi sahaja.

Dia yang di mata sekarang, seperti kembar Abah versi muda.

Dia yang hadir selepas Abah tiada.

Dia yang mengajar diri menaip ejaan penuh kurang etika rempit.

(Zaman SMS tengah rancak, semua vokal konsonan dicantas)

Jadi, berasbabkan dia kaki drama,

suka jelaskan apa-apa panjang lebar sampai habis aksara 1 muka surat SMS.

Belajar daripada dia.

Takkan orang taip mesej panjang-panjang kita nak balas sepatah, kan?

Dah lah dalam satu mesej, ada 3-4 soalan dia bedil.

Terdidik menjadi teliti dalam membalas, penuh penerangan dan kadang terjangkit perangai kaki drama dia.

Mr Pujangga. Kelewang.

Dia sejenis 'unrequited love' selama 5-6 tahun, 

sampai hampir semua manusia yang muncul depan mata cuba-cuba rasa,

aku akan bandingkan dengan dia.

Gila!

Gila, bukan?

Iya, dia bukan cinta.

Cuma sejenis obsesi diri yang buta tentang hidup dan rasa.

Dia ibarat malaikat pelindung yang mengelakkan diri daripada menjadi seekor 'playgirl' pemunah rasa lelaki yang berjaya.

Walau tak dinafikan, hampir suku abad hidup,

hampir 10 orang dah 'confess' dan ditolak bodoh-bodoh kerana dia.

Hahaha. 

Bodoh sungguh.

Tapi, itulah.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.

Dia di mana sekarang?

Dia masih ada, mengajar di hulu sana.

Sekarang berkeputusan untuk putuskan hubungan obsesi tak cerdik ini.

Makin waras,

Alhamdulillah.

Sudah tidak membanding semua lelaki kepadanya.

Putus kerana sudah tidak punya sebab untuk berhubungan lagi.

Hendak bertanya khabar, tidak tahu rasa.

Janggal. 

Ralat.

Dia sendiri sudah tidak menyebut nama.

Hanya seketul "Dia" jika dia tertanya khabarku kepada kawan kami.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana menggerakkan hati hambaMu nan jahil ini untuk kenal dengannya.

Ramadhan 2008.

Sedang berlatih membalas persoalan manusia, sepatah-sepatah.

Sekarang aku rasa, 

bebelan panjang tiada makna.

Coretan panjang, terlalu kisah gayanya.

Sedang membancuh simen untuk konkritkan hati dengan pujuk rayu manusia.

Soft sides (sisi lembut) dah banyak kali terpijak, dipijakkan. 

Penat.

Penat memberi perhatian.

Bukan untuk dihargai,

cuma penat.

Diri ini manusia, bukan malaikat.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Tatasusila

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: moga Tuhan memberkati hidup matimu.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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