Personal Satisfaction

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

When I used to have odd bantering over random issues with dad,

when we were on good term.

Hahah.

When I was too lazy to argue anymore,

"It's personal satisfaction, dad."

There he stopped bantering... till he continued again on another issues and till I responded with same answer.

Why did he paint his house the same color as his fence?

Such view tend to look odd.

Or I ought to answer him with ' people's personal satisfaction' when I can't answer his logic-illogical queries.

Not all question got answers, ey? But that reason is the easiest one.

And we can't turn back time. Missing him every now and then.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Existential Crisis

Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?

Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,

one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,

but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,

he may has killed himself first before anyone else.

If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.

What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?

The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?

Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?

What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,

"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.

It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.

Though one shall argue,

one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.

Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.

Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.

Does anyone has thought of this even once?

I don't want to be an odd ball.

Hahah.

*chuckling over agitation*

Hahah.

Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,

I do not know how to continue this,

just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Surat Buat Tuhan

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

(muzik latar: Note to God by Charice)

Jasad ber-Ruh,

Tanah,

Bumi,

Galaksi Bima Sakti,

Alam Semesta.

Tuhan,

Yang Utama tiada Dua, Allahu-ahad. Tuhan nan Tunggal Maha Wujud, Mengetahui dan Adil. 

Terima kasih Tuhan. Alhamdulillah kupanjangkan syukur kepadaMu.

Terima kasih untuk hidayah yang diberikan. Sesungguhnya sebagai sejenis makhluk yang berakal, dulu hambaMu tidak cerap bagaimana mahu melihat hikmah dan pengajaran dalam kehidupan. 

Tuhan, terima kasih. HambaMu ini mengambil masa 6 tahun untuk mencari redho kenapa nyawa arwah diambil awal. Ruh arwah berpisah lekas dari badan. Dahulu jahil, kini masih jahil. HidayahMu Tuhan, seperti tamparan kasar keras ke pipi. Jika manusia cuba bertanya-tanya apa rasa kehilangan? 

Tuhan, kehilangan itu pahit, perit, pedih, sakit, tak terluah dibibir untuk insan sepertiku. Insan yang tak mampu nak luah semua cerita kurang manis. Insan yang tak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi rasa. Insan yang tidak pernah punya apa-apa tanpa rahmatMu. 

Tuhan, hingga kini aku masih cuba hidup sebagai seorang manusia menjadi petunjuk...

***

I couldn't bring myself to finish this letter. Frankly speaking, writing this is not easy.

Rose Kennedy quote:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Scarred and scared. How did I survive this almost a quarter century, living almost a decade regretting my mistakes, arrogance and stupidity. I miss him so much.

Dear God, 

Spare him your Mercy and Blessings. Let him rest in peace. Put him in the place of loved ones. 

Amen!

Me,

(Miss-almost-always-misguided)

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Words in .jpg Format

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I've been thinking, what else could I do to prevent this mind from becoming dull.

Well, if one (the one) read this, one must know where this title was inspired.

Well, again. You inspired me in a way.

Ah, thank Lord for being a mature human, at your age.

It was fun, it is fun, still.

And dear God, please grant him some speed in typing.

Though I shall admit, I do type fast but prone to make tons of typo (typing error).

Just on another note, I won't commit any typo if I was talking about serious matter.

For an example, I was trying hard to woo you?

Hahaha.

Now,

let's heed an image below.

***

Since internet is super slow over exceeding usage of bandwidth,

Shall share the quote,

if one shall denote them as a quote,

even if they deserved to be called as a quote,

the point is,

random thing found over internet but I adore it so,

ended up saving the images and I'm sharing it's gem with humans.

(contemplating if bots would read this blog, ah, beggar can't choose!)

ONE OF THEHARDESTDECISIONSYOU'LL EVERFACE IN LIFEIS CHOOSINGWHETHERTO WALKAWAY ORTRY HARDER.

Above is one of the images saved because they are interesting.

Sometimes, being fickle does not mean one cannot make a choice but has a problem which would satisfy his needs or which would please people around.

If I were to justify being fickle over things.

But most of the times, 

I'd know what I want.

An example again, I would go bold by saying,

"I want you."

with a straight bitch resting face, expressionless cold tone... after 5 seconds one could find me running away because of shame.

LOL.

But, what is courage?

Courage or Boldness?

Err, it depends. I don't know what sentences should I ramble to justify my random acts of boldness,

but

unfortunately the writer does wear her heart on sleeves.

One time confession is not enough? Enough?

Said an almost genius Kahlil Gibran, 

"Try, failed. Try harder, failed better.""Wait until you find someone who worth more than 3 tries."

giving me more points to ponder.

Hahha, I doooooo ponder a lot over your advises, *maybe*

:)

Till this day, date and time.

I'm still wondering if I should give up or try harder.

Even though I did remark your opinions with,

"One must know when to quit."

To counter self defense,

"One will not quit if one worth it?"

*I'm puzzled honestly*

Being practical over things,

weighing in this age, where shall find such human that could intrigue me enough,

to fight but to reconcile later,

to sulk but to crawl back sooner,

to dote and to love better?

Auwww!

*Hush*

My almost endless rant point is,

I have a lot of words in .jpg format.

Maybe could enjoy eye feasting at art gallery?

(I've been dying to sight seeing at Balai Seni Negara since forever but until now have no reason)

Reason why images are more tempting than words?

"If I rely on words, I'll be moving or circling around the ideas of the words.""Gimme pictures, I could see thing in various point of views."

See? My perception is better if it appears in form of image or at least I could picture it in mind.

I'm good at building concepts in mind.

*Imagine Iron Man 3 during the mind mapping scene*

I claim mine is better. Kahkah!

Power of imagination, honey.

Decent imagination? Double Kahkah! 

p/s: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Mungkir Janji

Ciri-ciri insan munafik;

1. Apabila berjanji, ia mungkir.
2. Apabila diberi amanah, dia khianat.
3. Apabila berantam, ia melampaui batas.

Mungkir janji.
Setiap bulan munafik.
Gagal lunas janji dengan diri sendiri.
Usahkan tunai janji, janji apa sudah lupa.

Tengah moral breakdown. Sungguh-sungguh hancur.
Tak tipu.
Yang selalu ditipu diri sendiri sahaja.
Walau kadang ada 'white lies' yang terberitahu manusia lain,

hanya untuk menyatakan yang, "Aku OKAY, jangan bimbang boleh tak?"

'White lies', dosa dengan Tuhan atau manusia aku masih fikir,
berdosa dengan Tuhan lagi mudah, bukan?
Jika dosa dengan manusia gara-gara 'white lies' tadi,
sudah sampai masa aku tulis surat amanat a la wasiat.
Surat minta ampun atas kesalahan penipuan yang pernah aku sengaja lakukan.
Sengaja berdosa?
Aku salahkan nafsu dan syaitan. Waktu tu aku dah mati, buat apa nak salahkan diri sendiri lagi.
Tunggu kena tibai dengan malaikat sahaja, atau kena celur dalam api neraka.
Nauzubillah.

Moral breakdown, cukuplah.
Mental breakdown? Setakat tekanan daripada manusia tak cukup besar kuasa mereka nak jatuhkan aku sampai gila.
Kah!
Tak gila,
menangis macam orang gila sahaja.
Menangis. Kerja buat yang paling aku benci,
jika dan hanya jika yang termengalir air mata itu, aku.
Orang lain nak menangis, tak apa.
Nak pinjam bahu boleh, nak tolong hulur tisu 2 gulung boleh,
'a shoulder to cry on' versi aku datang berpakej tisu 2 gulung dan tong sampah di tepi kaki.
Habis tisu, tunggu sekejap aku lari ambil balang kaca legap,
nak tadah air mata yang tumpah tadi.
Manis? Manis apa nya, tapi cuba untuk selalu ada. Di tiap jatuh bangun manusia.

Berbalik kepada mungkir janji.
Janji tak nak menangis sebab manusia, sebab orang buat.
Sedangkan masa arwah koma seminggu aku tak menangis,
atau sekurangnya aku tak menangis depan manusia.
Hahha, menangis depan kucing.
Kesian Yaya, terpaksa hadap aku menangis seorang-seorang.
Bila Yaya mati, masih mencari calon kucing mana bakal ganti tempat Yaya, masih tak jumpa.
Boleh lah, kau datang nak tenangkan hati aku dengan berkata,

"Ya, dugaan datang dalam bentuk manusia tu dari Tuhan jugak, Ya."
"Kau tak nampak ke Ya?"
"Dalam gerak laku manusia, roh tu, perbuatan Tuhan."

Dah lama tahu, dah lama tahu jasad tu kosong, mati lagi lemah.
Tapi...

"Tapi apa Ya? Kau nak tipu siapa tak nak menangis sebab manusia?"
"Dari Tuhan kita datang, kepada Tuhan kita kembali."

Tapi,
Tuhan ambil pergi insan yang aku sayang, tak pernah aku salahkan Dia.
Itu kan takdir, aku redha, ajal maut tak boleh elak, tak mampu nak lari.

"Tapi apa, Ya?"

Tapi kenapa manusia nak letak salah letak dia pergi atas aku?
Tak minta pun dia pergi awal, tak pernah harap dia hilang, nak selamanya dia ada sampai aku puas dengar bebel celoteh dia.
Tak boleh? Iya, sekarang bunyi macam tak redha, kan?
Bagilah peluang, aku manusia. Bukan malaikat tak berperasaan.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Boneka Ais Kering

120506122014

Perasaan sekarang tak tahu nak cakap apa.
Macam kena tipu ada,
dipermainkan pun ada.
Tapi untuk ditipu dan dipermainkan, mesti ada saham salah aku jugak kan?
Haruslah, tak boleh penat untuk salahkan diri sendiri dulu.
Dan kerja buat tingkahlaku ada balasannya.
Jadi, selepas salahkan diri sendiri.
Kita, kita mula bodohkan diri sendiri, dalam erti kata mengaku yang diri ni jahil (tidak tahu),
pilih untuk jahil (untuk tidak mengambil tahu),
kerana menjadi 'ignorant' sudah terlalu dibanggakan dan dibiasakan.
Perihal yang terbiasakan,
salah diri juga. Semua salah diri sebelum salahkan orang lain.
Itu sahaja.

Rasional tak tahu nak rasa apa selepas tertipu.
Untuk diri,
siapa suruh mudah percaya orang bulat-bulat.
Sekarang dah meremang bulu roma rasa bungkam dalam dada.
Rasa yang memberat, dada yang bergolak hebat.
Bergolak tidak tahu mahu rasanya apa.
Rasa diperbodohkan tidak seronok. Tidak enak.
Dan, untuk dibodohkan perlu beri percaya buta dahulu, sebelum tunding jari kepada penipu?
Mungkin sahaja aku boleh gelar dia, mereka, topeng-topeng kaca; tukang layar terbaik abad ini.
Aku pula boneka di layar merah, dipetakan rentak oleh tari tukang layar tadi.
Mungkin ini rasa Didi dalam aA+bB.
Mungkin ini rasa dipermainkan selepas kita bagi percaya dan kejujuran.
Rasa yang selepas menaip baris patah-patah teratas.
Rasa yang telah kutemu.
Rasa pahit, lebih pahit dari hempedu.

Jie,
ayat semalam makan prinsip aku kembali.

Jie,
"Menanam konsep redha dalam diri dan hati."
"Pahit pun boleh telan, kan?"
"Sedang dalam diri pun memang ada elemen pahit, hempedu, 'bile acid'."
"Apalah sangat pahit rasa emosi."

Jie,
sahaja aku telan kembali empat ayat yang terluah, semalam.
Pahit.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Untuk pengajaran yang tidak putus datang.
Sayang, terima kasih. DugaMu tanda sayang.
Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan.
Bertahan kerana berTuhan.
Dan ini malam aku telan segala prinsip yang pernah dilaungkan; lantang.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Sepatah

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Rasa, dah patut mulakan tabiat jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Kecuali soalan anak-anak saudara,

minda kanak-kanak sedang berkembang memang akan banyak bertanya.

Ibarat iklan susu formula di televisyen,

"Menggalakkan sambungan neuron-neuron otak."

Tapi adik-beradik dulu, membesar dengan susu cap gantung, wakaka.

Sebab anak Mama ni memilih tak nak minum susu lembu,

anak Mama ni anak manusia berlagaknya.

Allah!

Habis, engko ingat yang suap anak-anak kecil mereka dengan susu formula tu sengaja bagi minum susu lembu?

Susu kambing?

Ah, kalau susu kucing boleh dieksploitasi,

susu kucing pun orang niagakan, mungkin.

Sebab pernah jumpa manusia yang memandang sinis akan ibu muda yang memberi minum anak dalam botol.

Bodoh. Sepatah. Untuk prejudis.

Bebal. Sepatah. Untuk skeptik.

Cubalah berfikiran baik tentang manusia, (husnuzhon).

Mana tahu dalam botol tu susu perahan ke?

Mana tahu si ibu sudah kekeringan sampai tak boleh menyusu anak sendiri?

Tambah lagi ibu beranak sulung,

engko ingat boleh keluar terus macam coklat mencurah ke ladang gandum?

Nah, bodoh dan bebal sebab cepat menghukum.

*seronok berlagak jadi Tuhan, bukan*

Tapi, sebagai perempuan bujang yang mungkin dilabel bebal bodoh kemudian hari, 

"Sudahlah bujang, ada hati punya nafsu nak nasihatkan kami yang berkeluarga."
"Maaf, kakak, ibu sekalian. Saya minta bersangka baik sahaja."

Dah kalau si ibu sengaja bagi anak susu formula dari umur sehari lagi, nak cakap apa?

Engko istighfar, senyum dan mula perlahan-lahan buat suara hasutan,

"Eh, you tak tahu ker? Kalau anak menyusu badan, body you akan cepat lansing?! OMG, I love your body..."

Alar, biarlah bunyi bimbo ker gedik semacam,

tapi niat nak menghasut supaya si ibu tadi beri susu badan ke anak,

apa salahnya.

Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak-ibu, kot.

inshaAllah tak jadi kejadian kurang kasih sayang keluarga,

err,

tak tahu. Tapi doanya begitu.

Berbalik kepada persoalan asal.

Dulu, iya.

Memang jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Sehinggalah ter-berkenalan dengan seketul hamba Tuhan enam tahun lepas.

Ter?

Sebab tak jangka penghujung kami begini.

Dia sebuah sejarah dan pengajaran. 

Syukur juga,

Tuhan letak takdir di awal aku kenal dunia, aku kenal dia.

Dia yang pernah menjadi 'crush', kahkah.

Gelaklah.

Dia yang aku rasa bukan cinta, sejenis obsesi sahaja.

Dia yang di mata sekarang, seperti kembar Abah versi muda.

Dia yang hadir selepas Abah tiada.

Dia yang mengajar diri menaip ejaan penuh kurang etika rempit.

(Zaman SMS tengah rancak, semua vokal konsonan dicantas)

Jadi, berasbabkan dia kaki drama,

suka jelaskan apa-apa panjang lebar sampai habis aksara 1 muka surat SMS.

Belajar daripada dia.

Takkan orang taip mesej panjang-panjang kita nak balas sepatah, kan?

Dah lah dalam satu mesej, ada 3-4 soalan dia bedil.

Terdidik menjadi teliti dalam membalas, penuh penerangan dan kadang terjangkit perangai kaki drama dia.

Mr Pujangga. Kelewang.

Dia sejenis 'unrequited love' selama 5-6 tahun, 

sampai hampir semua manusia yang muncul depan mata cuba-cuba rasa,

aku akan bandingkan dengan dia.

Gila!

Gila, bukan?

Iya, dia bukan cinta.

Cuma sejenis obsesi diri yang buta tentang hidup dan rasa.

Dia ibarat malaikat pelindung yang mengelakkan diri daripada menjadi seekor 'playgirl' pemunah rasa lelaki yang berjaya.

Walau tak dinafikan, hampir suku abad hidup,

hampir 10 orang dah 'confess' dan ditolak bodoh-bodoh kerana dia.

Hahaha. 

Bodoh sungguh.

Tapi, itulah.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.

Dia di mana sekarang?

Dia masih ada, mengajar di hulu sana.

Sekarang berkeputusan untuk putuskan hubungan obsesi tak cerdik ini.

Makin waras,

Alhamdulillah.

Sudah tidak membanding semua lelaki kepadanya.

Putus kerana sudah tidak punya sebab untuk berhubungan lagi.

Hendak bertanya khabar, tidak tahu rasa.

Janggal. 

Ralat.

Dia sendiri sudah tidak menyebut nama.

Hanya seketul "Dia" jika dia tertanya khabarku kepada kawan kami.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana menggerakkan hati hambaMu nan jahil ini untuk kenal dengannya.

Ramadhan 2008.

Sedang berlatih membalas persoalan manusia, sepatah-sepatah.

Sekarang aku rasa, 

bebelan panjang tiada makna.

Coretan panjang, terlalu kisah gayanya.

Sedang membancuh simen untuk konkritkan hati dengan pujuk rayu manusia.

Soft sides (sisi lembut) dah banyak kali terpijak, dipijakkan. 

Penat.

Penat memberi perhatian.

Bukan untuk dihargai,

cuma penat.

Diri ini manusia, bukan malaikat.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Tatasusila

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: moga Tuhan memberkati hidup matimu.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Abyss of Gigolo-ness.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Being a middle child, almost had it all except a little brother.

The youngest was dead during infancy about 8 days after struggling in NICU.

Mom said, she looks like me when she was little.

And she is also the only one with different name's initial; Siti Fatimah.

I asked her, why named her so?

She replied, there was this matron, advised mom to gave the late that name.

Rest in peace.

Why do bother to talk about dead sinless people?

Because I've always been dreaming to have a younger brother.

Expecting my sister to get married faster, so that I could have one,

she laughed at me.

"No! Tak nak langkah bendul."

Stunned, what the fish. Langkah bendul apanya,

nak nikah, nikah sahaja, lah. I don't mind.

Since I know, I might be dead before marrying anyone.

Boo! Sound pessimist?

Nope, just facing reality. Had to weigh all possible ends.

"What will happen, happens. What may happen, one could pray for it not to happen."

There, I said it.

Getting back on track relating abyss of gigoloness.

Mior buzzed me over my decision to deactivate twitter account.

Praising himself high thinking he was the first person to realise I was gone.

Alolo, comelnya. (He'd hate me for writing this)

But you asked for it.

Thus, Muahaha!?

hahaha. *sincere laugh*

Abyss of gigolo-ness,

he did come with such phrase. Of course I'd like to have him as a brother,

but 'Cinta tak boleh dipaksa' and the hell am I to break his relationship with his significant other.

Err, since my little sister has her own standard about man.

I rest such thought.

On another note, I had this notion since I was young, during hostel life or even university,

senior or sophomore was busy eyeing freshies to make them so called 'Adik Angkat'.

Hahaha.

I would went, "Meh! The fish..."

Thinking I had enough drama with my own siblings, the-considerate-generous-sister, every-day-I-nag-brother, half-a-woman-little sister.

LOL.

Aktiviti beradik-adik angkat is a waste of time.

If I want to dote on anyone, I'd keep them well.

Our 'ship' need no label. As long as we know, we are doing deeds to other humans?

Sebagai saudara seakidah, hablumminannas,

Saudara semakhluk, kena adil.

Though, I shall admit such action can be perceived as being selectively treating people?

Oh, come on!

For once just admit,

you had someone whom you like or adore most.

Mior?

Haha, he is a human whom grown old beyond his age.

Gigolo? Pray for I would be rich enough to sponsor 'makhluk-makhluk Tuhan di jalan jihad - belajar'.

Tunggu habis bayar hutang.

Hutang kan wajib bayar.

Lapor diri ke KKM Januari nanti, inshaAllah will try to plan and manage money wisely.

Sedekah apa yang patut, jolly some on parent.

And to those whom used to think we went broke since dad is no longer around.

Shame on you?

And thank you for making us ponder about our self value.

LOL. We went broke. Jeez.

Sebab dia (makhluk) tu lupa, rezki ni datang kut duit sahaja mungkin.

Mungkin, lah.

Kesimpulan,

abyss of gigoloness.

It depends on how you perceive gigolo?

Hahha, if one were to define what a gigolo is, a noun.

I might be stoned to death to try to argue about their stance,

but,

there is always a but.

My intention is to sponsor people whom want to study.

Not exploiting any in sexual term.

Astagfirullah.

We do know, mind could go dull due to money constraint.

Been there, felt that, embrace that, hate that.

Hate being broke.

(read: I don't want to ask money from parent, will survive from what I have."

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat Nak Belanja Wang ke Mana?

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: are you not entertained? Hahaha ;)

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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