Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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How to Live Like a Total Brat

... with screwed views on love.

I could hardly remember when I started having this notion,

"Say NO to puppy love!"

"No dating until you'd done studying."

Those kinds of chants or principles I would denote them so.

Maybe yes and maybe not.

It started when I was a kid.

Was a less girlish back then, when was little.

To climb trees, jumping from one branch to another, to play around with boys,

extreme level of hide and seek till got a jab of tetanus shot for rusty nails prick.

Ah!

I did burn one of mom's Tupperware collection.

We were playing cooking with real fire,

boiling water for drinks, out of curiosity I burnt a plastic container with a pure stupidity plastic would not melt.

No, the crime scene was behind a post office, next to our neighbourhood.

People say stuff like don't shit where you eat.

Muahaha!

That could explain much our parents still not know about that menace (maybe or they stay shut?)

Loss count to how many mirrors I had broken for my experiments with fire and cold water.

*they are the mirrors one could get on round-shaped back in the 90s sharpener*

Not that I had too many boys friend but it was not a cute and cuddly childhood.

Let alone rebellious phase.

*I miss Along, he was my neighbour's cousin. All I could remember is he was in green school uniform (KRS?)*

Then I entered primary education.

Was a bully. Standard two, were separated from bully gang ended up studying in nerdy class.

Primary school's memory we are not all rainbows and sunshine.

I was sluggish, heck yeah!

Filled with angst and ignorance.

Living in own world, hardly could mingle (being a PTS student was quite a curse)

Don't really fit in. Back in those years,

I learnt;

1. Pretty girl will be wooed by boys
2. Students favours over teacher
3. Hitting puberty is another hell (for others)
4. I don't really miss those years.

Hard to admit but maybe those earlier notions I got when I saw those pretty girls lingering around puppy love didn't really succeed.

*That was my school, I do not know about yours*

Those maybe the years when silently anarchism creeping in.

Hahha!

but I do, I don't do much wheedle hardly I flatter people for my advantages.

Why would I? Kissing arse is not something to be proud of.

Or maybe I was jealous that I'm not pretty neat enough back then?

HAHAHA. Nope, not a pinch.

Still, the same scenario keep repeating itself in high school.

Those pretty girls, kissing arse flock, I chose to become a PRS.

The safest choice?

Anyhow,

what is up with puppy love?

Are they really harmful?

I watched two movies tonight: If I Stay (laptop) and Flipped on DIVA.

They made me think if I could grow up once again,

would I try to fall in love at early age?

With this mind now; NO I do not want to grow up once again, a mistake is a mistake.

Must dang girl learn well from it or learn from others' mistakes.

We ain't live that long.

This thought left me wonder,

what would I have become if I had a lover or a few before.

Must be funny, I would be damaged than I am.

Imagine this,

without puppy love or several heartbreaks,

my view on love is way too screwed.

Had trust issue for a trust is to gain.

Well, had a few crushes before but they are all almost smart, witty, charismatic people.

Another curse: a sapiosexual.

Being a so called PRS, I witnessed and lent too many shoulders for beloveds' heartbreaks.

May have glued their broken pieces of hearts.

May have curse or mock some of those guys.

Yeah, another notion of mine.

Don't mess with my girls; I'll let you suffer on death bed (figuratively) pondering your wrongdoings.

Hehe.

So, here I am.

Still with screwed views on love.

Considering whom should I believe and give my trust.

Who could surpass this imaginary wonder wall of mine.

If I wasn't a dry heart jerk, might perform as a well lived playgirl back in those days.

Thank God for these hardened principles.

Status: thinking who worth to spent time, thought, effort, money, heart, prayers on.

Hahha!

p/s: hurted tongue, munched too much M&M :(

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Mungkir Janji

Ciri-ciri insan munafik;

1. Apabila berjanji, ia mungkir.
2. Apabila diberi amanah, dia khianat.
3. Apabila berantam, ia melampaui batas.

Mungkir janji.
Setiap bulan munafik.
Gagal lunas janji dengan diri sendiri.
Usahkan tunai janji, janji apa sudah lupa.

Tengah moral breakdown. Sungguh-sungguh hancur.
Tak tipu.
Yang selalu ditipu diri sendiri sahaja.
Walau kadang ada 'white lies' yang terberitahu manusia lain,

hanya untuk menyatakan yang, "Aku OKAY, jangan bimbang boleh tak?"

'White lies', dosa dengan Tuhan atau manusia aku masih fikir,
berdosa dengan Tuhan lagi mudah, bukan?
Jika dosa dengan manusia gara-gara 'white lies' tadi,
sudah sampai masa aku tulis surat amanat a la wasiat.
Surat minta ampun atas kesalahan penipuan yang pernah aku sengaja lakukan.
Sengaja berdosa?
Aku salahkan nafsu dan syaitan. Waktu tu aku dah mati, buat apa nak salahkan diri sendiri lagi.
Tunggu kena tibai dengan malaikat sahaja, atau kena celur dalam api neraka.
Nauzubillah.

Moral breakdown, cukuplah.
Mental breakdown? Setakat tekanan daripada manusia tak cukup besar kuasa mereka nak jatuhkan aku sampai gila.
Kah!
Tak gila,
menangis macam orang gila sahaja.
Menangis. Kerja buat yang paling aku benci,
jika dan hanya jika yang termengalir air mata itu, aku.
Orang lain nak menangis, tak apa.
Nak pinjam bahu boleh, nak tolong hulur tisu 2 gulung boleh,
'a shoulder to cry on' versi aku datang berpakej tisu 2 gulung dan tong sampah di tepi kaki.
Habis tisu, tunggu sekejap aku lari ambil balang kaca legap,
nak tadah air mata yang tumpah tadi.
Manis? Manis apa nya, tapi cuba untuk selalu ada. Di tiap jatuh bangun manusia.

Berbalik kepada mungkir janji.
Janji tak nak menangis sebab manusia, sebab orang buat.
Sedangkan masa arwah koma seminggu aku tak menangis,
atau sekurangnya aku tak menangis depan manusia.
Hahha, menangis depan kucing.
Kesian Yaya, terpaksa hadap aku menangis seorang-seorang.
Bila Yaya mati, masih mencari calon kucing mana bakal ganti tempat Yaya, masih tak jumpa.
Boleh lah, kau datang nak tenangkan hati aku dengan berkata,

"Ya, dugaan datang dalam bentuk manusia tu dari Tuhan jugak, Ya."
"Kau tak nampak ke Ya?"
"Dalam gerak laku manusia, roh tu, perbuatan Tuhan."

Dah lama tahu, dah lama tahu jasad tu kosong, mati lagi lemah.
Tapi...

"Tapi apa Ya? Kau nak tipu siapa tak nak menangis sebab manusia?"
"Dari Tuhan kita datang, kepada Tuhan kita kembali."

Tapi,
Tuhan ambil pergi insan yang aku sayang, tak pernah aku salahkan Dia.
Itu kan takdir, aku redha, ajal maut tak boleh elak, tak mampu nak lari.

"Tapi apa, Ya?"

Tapi kenapa manusia nak letak salah letak dia pergi atas aku?
Tak minta pun dia pergi awal, tak pernah harap dia hilang, nak selamanya dia ada sampai aku puas dengar bebel celoteh dia.
Tak boleh? Iya, sekarang bunyi macam tak redha, kan?
Bagilah peluang, aku manusia. Bukan malaikat tak berperasaan.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Boneka Ais Kering

120506122014

Perasaan sekarang tak tahu nak cakap apa.
Macam kena tipu ada,
dipermainkan pun ada.
Tapi untuk ditipu dan dipermainkan, mesti ada saham salah aku jugak kan?
Haruslah, tak boleh penat untuk salahkan diri sendiri dulu.
Dan kerja buat tingkahlaku ada balasannya.
Jadi, selepas salahkan diri sendiri.
Kita, kita mula bodohkan diri sendiri, dalam erti kata mengaku yang diri ni jahil (tidak tahu),
pilih untuk jahil (untuk tidak mengambil tahu),
kerana menjadi 'ignorant' sudah terlalu dibanggakan dan dibiasakan.
Perihal yang terbiasakan,
salah diri juga. Semua salah diri sebelum salahkan orang lain.
Itu sahaja.

Rasional tak tahu nak rasa apa selepas tertipu.
Untuk diri,
siapa suruh mudah percaya orang bulat-bulat.
Sekarang dah meremang bulu roma rasa bungkam dalam dada.
Rasa yang memberat, dada yang bergolak hebat.
Bergolak tidak tahu mahu rasanya apa.
Rasa diperbodohkan tidak seronok. Tidak enak.
Dan, untuk dibodohkan perlu beri percaya buta dahulu, sebelum tunding jari kepada penipu?
Mungkin sahaja aku boleh gelar dia, mereka, topeng-topeng kaca; tukang layar terbaik abad ini.
Aku pula boneka di layar merah, dipetakan rentak oleh tari tukang layar tadi.
Mungkin ini rasa Didi dalam aA+bB.
Mungkin ini rasa dipermainkan selepas kita bagi percaya dan kejujuran.
Rasa yang selepas menaip baris patah-patah teratas.
Rasa yang telah kutemu.
Rasa pahit, lebih pahit dari hempedu.

Jie,
ayat semalam makan prinsip aku kembali.

Jie,
"Menanam konsep redha dalam diri dan hati."
"Pahit pun boleh telan, kan?"
"Sedang dalam diri pun memang ada elemen pahit, hempedu, 'bile acid'."
"Apalah sangat pahit rasa emosi."

Jie,
sahaja aku telan kembali empat ayat yang terluah, semalam.
Pahit.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Untuk pengajaran yang tidak putus datang.
Sayang, terima kasih. DugaMu tanda sayang.
Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan.
Bertahan kerana berTuhan.
Dan ini malam aku telan segala prinsip yang pernah dilaungkan; lantang.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Sepatah

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Rasa, dah patut mulakan tabiat jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Kecuali soalan anak-anak saudara,

minda kanak-kanak sedang berkembang memang akan banyak bertanya.

Ibarat iklan susu formula di televisyen,

"Menggalakkan sambungan neuron-neuron otak."

Tapi adik-beradik dulu, membesar dengan susu cap gantung, wakaka.

Sebab anak Mama ni memilih tak nak minum susu lembu,

anak Mama ni anak manusia berlagaknya.

Allah!

Habis, engko ingat yang suap anak-anak kecil mereka dengan susu formula tu sengaja bagi minum susu lembu?

Susu kambing?

Ah, kalau susu kucing boleh dieksploitasi,

susu kucing pun orang niagakan, mungkin.

Sebab pernah jumpa manusia yang memandang sinis akan ibu muda yang memberi minum anak dalam botol.

Bodoh. Sepatah. Untuk prejudis.

Bebal. Sepatah. Untuk skeptik.

Cubalah berfikiran baik tentang manusia, (husnuzhon).

Mana tahu dalam botol tu susu perahan ke?

Mana tahu si ibu sudah kekeringan sampai tak boleh menyusu anak sendiri?

Tambah lagi ibu beranak sulung,

engko ingat boleh keluar terus macam coklat mencurah ke ladang gandum?

Nah, bodoh dan bebal sebab cepat menghukum.

*seronok berlagak jadi Tuhan, bukan*

Tapi, sebagai perempuan bujang yang mungkin dilabel bebal bodoh kemudian hari, 

"Sudahlah bujang, ada hati punya nafsu nak nasihatkan kami yang berkeluarga."
"Maaf, kakak, ibu sekalian. Saya minta bersangka baik sahaja."

Dah kalau si ibu sengaja bagi anak susu formula dari umur sehari lagi, nak cakap apa?

Engko istighfar, senyum dan mula perlahan-lahan buat suara hasutan,

"Eh, you tak tahu ker? Kalau anak menyusu badan, body you akan cepat lansing?! OMG, I love your body..."

Alar, biarlah bunyi bimbo ker gedik semacam,

tapi niat nak menghasut supaya si ibu tadi beri susu badan ke anak,

apa salahnya.

Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak-ibu, kot.

inshaAllah tak jadi kejadian kurang kasih sayang keluarga,

err,

tak tahu. Tapi doanya begitu.

Berbalik kepada persoalan asal.

Dulu, iya.

Memang jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Sehinggalah ter-berkenalan dengan seketul hamba Tuhan enam tahun lepas.

Ter?

Sebab tak jangka penghujung kami begini.

Dia sebuah sejarah dan pengajaran. 

Syukur juga,

Tuhan letak takdir di awal aku kenal dunia, aku kenal dia.

Dia yang pernah menjadi 'crush', kahkah.

Gelaklah.

Dia yang aku rasa bukan cinta, sejenis obsesi sahaja.

Dia yang di mata sekarang, seperti kembar Abah versi muda.

Dia yang hadir selepas Abah tiada.

Dia yang mengajar diri menaip ejaan penuh kurang etika rempit.

(Zaman SMS tengah rancak, semua vokal konsonan dicantas)

Jadi, berasbabkan dia kaki drama,

suka jelaskan apa-apa panjang lebar sampai habis aksara 1 muka surat SMS.

Belajar daripada dia.

Takkan orang taip mesej panjang-panjang kita nak balas sepatah, kan?

Dah lah dalam satu mesej, ada 3-4 soalan dia bedil.

Terdidik menjadi teliti dalam membalas, penuh penerangan dan kadang terjangkit perangai kaki drama dia.

Mr Pujangga. Kelewang.

Dia sejenis 'unrequited love' selama 5-6 tahun, 

sampai hampir semua manusia yang muncul depan mata cuba-cuba rasa,

aku akan bandingkan dengan dia.

Gila!

Gila, bukan?

Iya, dia bukan cinta.

Cuma sejenis obsesi diri yang buta tentang hidup dan rasa.

Dia ibarat malaikat pelindung yang mengelakkan diri daripada menjadi seekor 'playgirl' pemunah rasa lelaki yang berjaya.

Walau tak dinafikan, hampir suku abad hidup,

hampir 10 orang dah 'confess' dan ditolak bodoh-bodoh kerana dia.

Hahaha. 

Bodoh sungguh.

Tapi, itulah.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.

Dia di mana sekarang?

Dia masih ada, mengajar di hulu sana.

Sekarang berkeputusan untuk putuskan hubungan obsesi tak cerdik ini.

Makin waras,

Alhamdulillah.

Sudah tidak membanding semua lelaki kepadanya.

Putus kerana sudah tidak punya sebab untuk berhubungan lagi.

Hendak bertanya khabar, tidak tahu rasa.

Janggal. 

Ralat.

Dia sendiri sudah tidak menyebut nama.

Hanya seketul "Dia" jika dia tertanya khabarku kepada kawan kami.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana menggerakkan hati hambaMu nan jahil ini untuk kenal dengannya.

Ramadhan 2008.

Sedang berlatih membalas persoalan manusia, sepatah-sepatah.

Sekarang aku rasa, 

bebelan panjang tiada makna.

Coretan panjang, terlalu kisah gayanya.

Sedang membancuh simen untuk konkritkan hati dengan pujuk rayu manusia.

Soft sides (sisi lembut) dah banyak kali terpijak, dipijakkan. 

Penat.

Penat memberi perhatian.

Bukan untuk dihargai,

cuma penat.

Diri ini manusia, bukan malaikat.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Tatasusila

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: moga Tuhan memberkati hidup matimu.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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To Grow Old Together

Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Dengan perasaan 'obliged to post at least an entry per month', 

here I am.

To grow old together or to grow up together?

To reach maturity together?

Hat mencapai kematangan macam susah je, sebab parameter matang tak objektif,

pembolehubah pula manusia,

buat sakit hati je pakai misi "Menuju Kematangan Bersama".

Tak logik pun ada jugak,

dah macam slogan hari kemerdekaan...

Oh,

tadi terfikir pasal ni tengah kunyah semangkuk bertih jagung sambil tukar siaran antara RunningMan dan The Return of Superman.

Kahkah.

Tak pernah sehayat ni menghadap 'Korean Variety Shows" sampai habis,

oh!

'lost in the middle of story again'

Malam tadi episod nenek dan atuk Sarang bawa pergi berenang, lepas tu depa ada sesi foto sekeluarga.

Cemburu.

Sebabnya sebelum abah pergi kemain ler orang bising cakap nak ambil foto keluarga tapi tak sempat, gitulah.

Takdir namanya.

Akibatnya,

to grow old together sounds fun.

Tapi, hal ajal ni tak boleh ramal beb.

Maka,

misi paling realistik:

To make fortune together?

Hahah!

Jangan ler tuduh mata duitan...

Ingat rezki dalam bentuk harta benda je ker?

Anak yang soleh rezki jugak, err,

dapat zuriat pun dah sejenis rezki.

Hidup yang aman pun rezki.

Lagi lah hidup yang mudah.

Namun apalah seorang Muslim kalau tidak diuji apa lagi jika setelah mengaku beriman.

Ehem!

Haa,

kisahnya?

Misi paling realistik adalah:

To make fortune together. 

Muahaha.

Motif gelak?

Nak kurangkan ke-serius-an hal rezki tadi.

Oh, lupa lagi.

Kadang kita akan pandang hidup orang lain,

Ya Tuhan ya Robbi senangnya...

Hakikatnya bukan kita tahu,

how many hell rides he has taken,

how many miles has he walked in those shoes, err, figuratively.

How much tears he has shed.

Spice up a bit,

sebab air mata secara literal adalah benar.

Agak-agaklah nak pakai ayat anak jantan tak (boleh) menangis.

Kang datang puak #yizlumik persoalkan,

"Apa kau tidak pernah menangis kerana dosa-dosa kau?"

Well, burn, baby burn!

Sebelum merepek lebih panjang,

hikmah cerita lompat sana sini.

Do your best to get his bless. 

;)

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Matlamat

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: dah lupa nak tulis apa tadi sebab sibuk cari imej. -..-

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Delusional | Miss-Split-Identity | Random

Sometimes an inner voice cutting through reality,

asking questions,

"Why are you acting like a man?"

"Why behave like one?"

Like, why you offer people (read: girls) solution when they were just asking for ears to lend?

Responding,

"So honey, what should I do?"

"What can I do to help you?"

Well, you can just bloody listen. Stop trying to do everything (that you could offer or would).

Resort to caving in rather than expressing feeling.

Hoo-haa!

Too much for a tough act lady! *scoff*

Because in your mind, showing weaknesses or even sharing them makes you vulnerable and almost obsolete.

These may be some references I pick from Men From Mars Women Is an Alien Crap eh! Nope.

And also choose to not knowing reasons.

In your defense,

not knowing is equable to less hurting, if those incidents may follow.

But in your defense too, never leave a hole to loop?

Where is your stance now?

To choose whatever words to justify your sense.

Nonsensical, at all point?

I know, 

and you thought, let it hang there, you don't want to know, may it be a loop or hole or darn black sucking pit.

Did you find any serenity living in solitude?

I bet a well puzzled heart-throbbing pain.

Well, can't you just sometime be normal like other women, and act like human, which then would stop query your action?

"I don't know, man."

"Our shoes aren't same size and a penny or dime, a step would be too hard if we ever switch."

"My ride of hell is indifferent. Count your blessing, our shoes won't fit."

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Mushy Cheesy | 1.0 Version

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.
Sisi gelap seorang perempuan ego asalnya,
Perempuan yang kononnya tak reti bicara manis-manis indah-indah beralasankan;
saya cuma tulis apa yang saya tahu, dan apalah cerita romantis bagi perempuan berhati beku.
Kukuh bukan alasan perempuan itu.
Sehinggalah penemuan blog kawan twitter,
Lalu perempuan itu merasa terkesima atas kebolehan berbahasa puitis romantis lelaki itu.
Ego yang belum dikambus dalam tanah, hati dia terdetik;
Alar, lelaki, 'sweet talk' itu bukankah kebolehan semulajadi mereka…
*cebik-cebik berlagak sexist*
Masih berpaksikan ego tanpa hujung,
dengan tip yang diberikan oleh beliau, ehem! *kekening*
tulis ayat gula-gula itu mudah jika sedang melayan perasaan, atau 'in mood'.
Cubaan pertama cheesy mushy.
Awak,
Saya dah letak tepi dah ego saya ni.
Ye lah, ada ego membukit pun bukannya boleh bawa kenyang,
tapi saya tinggalkan sebesar busut,
kalau-kalau kita gaduh nanti,
Takde lah saya kena maki disalahkan sebab ego berkren kena angkut selepas bukit diletup.
***
Hahaha. Ya Tuhan.
I've tried writing this mushy version lebih sebulan setengah.
Dalam Evernote, sampai lupa nak sambung.
Sebenarnya, tak mampu nak sambung.
Sebab geli.
Kesiannya…
Nampak gaya,
Maaf, mungkin projek Mushy Cheesy version takkan ada 'update' selamanya.
Sangkut dan bermula dari 1.0 dan kekal jadi 1.0…
Tabik hormat lah,
I really can't.
And rereading silly so called mushy entries I drafted, apparently,
They are not corny at all.
Poor soul.
Tak apa lah.
Saya tak reti nak jiwang-jiwang, sweet sweet tu kadang-kadang je jadi. Tak boleh nak reka jadi entry,
Kalau buat spontaneous kat memember,
Hiks, am good kay.
Erm. Member, that's why.
And thank you for saying it is fun to have a long thread with me.
I convo nanti datang lah yer.
Tak dapat apa-apa, dapat jumpa I je lah. Hahaha.
Since the chance was blown last weekend.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Drawn A Line

Kau tahu perasaan macam bodoh tu macam mana?

Like you have known someone for a very long time, exceeded 5 years of course.

One day, you get along together and catch up some missed thing while both of you were gone or separated.

This thought always bother me,

And it bothers me bad.

I don't know whether I was missing the memories or missing the person I had the memories with.

Or I was just missing my oldself?

It is hard when you found out after the meet up, it is you that have changed, not the other party.

For I to feel bad missing the old me more than the memories or the people inside.

I'm confused.

I can't settle my feelings.

Sure, as a way to comfort,

I could say, everybody would grow up one day.

One day.

And I was just grow up or grew out of my own self.

Blergh. Not a cool thing to reminisce early in the morning.

A boggle is still boggling and I can't let this thought aside.

Mister,

I'm sorry. I'm not the one I used to be.

Took it for maturity or you were mature since the day we knew.

It is sad. Hahah. Sure, everything won't be the same. No.

But it breaks me seeing you didn't change.

You are good to stay same ol fella like before. And yeah, I blame myself for unable to cheer you up like before.

Life is hard. Sorry.

Like a touche my playlist is playing My Life Would Suck Without You // Kelly Clarkson, just after I've finnished typing this.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dear you.

Remember when I laughed at you after you said you can't move on from your past love, or crush per se.

Hahahaha.

Yeah, I still laugh at it because in my point of view, that bloody guy does not deserve your attention at all, not a pinch.

And remember when I said, how good I am at tolerating my old interest and now I'm not feeling anything towards him?

Well, you can laugh at me back.

Hahaha. Silly me.

Trying so hard to appear like a tough lady, in front of you

Oh, I still remember, last semester final exam, how did I nag at you over a long phone call.

Why you should forget about that bloody guy. Of course I won't call him a man, I'm still pissed off at him, making my bestie miserable until now.

Silly brat. Pui.

Yeah, you may say, I'm not in your shoes and you are not me, that cold fickle big heart lady.

*Scoff*

Yeah, you do know my stories, how long we've been knowing each other  pal?

7 years and counting.

I may be harsh on you whenever you asked for my opinion.

I did try the comforting method, but I don't know if you tolerate it well.

Because few weeks after that you came back to me with a shattered heart. That broken pieces again and again.

I'm sorry for I have hurted you last time we'd messages.

I'm not good at handling emotions, and you know sulking with me would be fruitless.

I rarely crawl back to people.

Sorry, I regret what I have done.

This hard little icy friend of yours.

Oh, pertaining of you can laugh at me.

There was this quote, I found over the internet.

And you-know-who-I-talked-about,

Nah, maybe I can only let if go once he married someone else.

The bride is not me. That's I'm certain.

Erm, my apology for I had hurt you? I did, didn't I.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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To Judge or Not To Judge | Friends

Hey honey.

There there.

I'm recapping last year convocation ceremony and I was attending it to meet my coursemate.

Not my coursemate only, anyone I knew who were graduating last year.

Came with my housemates; joyfully for them and having a bit a jealousy for not able to graduate with them.

Oh, please.

Am grateful, a fate is a fate, and my destiny is planned better by Him. That small piece of envy is normal. Not self destructing enough to feel inferior towards them.

Hahha.

Err, the point is,

Before entering the big glamourous Dectar hall, one of my housemate pointed out to me,

"Ya, tu kawan ang…"

"Eh, mana?" I asked because I was too lazy to put on spectacle.

"Tu, yang tudung labuh tu, kawan ang la tu kan?"

"Apsal asal tudung labuh je kawan aku?"

"Dah tu, kawan siapa lagi…".

Ohkay, there I was taken aback.

Err. The dialogue is getting there.

Huehue.

Bear with me, tend to lost in track.

What I'm trying to say is,

when people sometimes question me,

"Why are you not as pious as your friends?"

"Which friend?" If I may asked, try to pull an oblivious trick.

Now, here comes the thought. I see.

That friends.

My bestfriend from highschool told me, when I asked them that kind of question.

Nags her,

"You are happy go lucky inside, who can blame that."

Thank you, Love.

Admit a sinner,

Sinfully, a sinner in past and future.

Not that I'm planning to do any sinful act but,

As a human being,

I can't help myself commiting sin and my Imaan is up and down.

Not an angel nor a maksum messenger,

No, I don't have a very religious background.

Was a rebel, was a naughty kid, until this time,

Old habits die hard eyy.

Oh Gosh, please get to the point.

My point is, please don't compare my appearance or behaviour with the friends mentioned above.

Am a humble gato myself,

*Inself pleadful Puss in Boots here*

I have flaws, loads of them,

Some skeletons I kept them locked deep inside the closet.

Yeah, they prone to do a bloody rituals and curse a nightmare,

dragging present self into past.

A sinful me,

Yet,

Trying hard to improve this thinning state of Imaan.

Yes, remind me if I seem was led astray,

Or too lagha *sounds Islamic huh?*

Choose a correct phrasing.

The outer facade doesn't come packaged with a hard rock inside.

Slow talk to me, honey.

Tell me what were wrongs.

For God sake,

Do what I wish for everyone you want to advice.

They will appreciate it.

A point to ponder, does your friends really reflect who you are?

Tell me.

Pen's down. Figuratively.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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