Memories: How to Forget and Forgive Self

Assalam and greetings,

It was a situation accidental death 

sudden one.

A babe of mine once mentioned how she felt,

how to cope with such abundance of feelings.

...

It was a death of a random frog at her house car porch

Accidentally rolled over an anonymous animal.

A frog to begin with.

Does life of a frog matter?

Would it worth it to lament over such incident?

What she did to such pity small animal, is it a sin for a believer?

If not a sin, would and could she kept rolling over frog or whatever insect at her house yards?

So I told her not to give a rat's arse about a dead animal, let alone a person...

To stand corrected,

Provided that she does not have any memories with the dead entity.

Asked her,

"DO YOU EVER HAVE ANY MEMORIES WITH THAT FROG?"

She laughed hard,

more to shrillig like a banshee right after she was about to feel sad and guilty.

"Twas a good hypothesis to play around."

All of us must have had lost some or too many one's we love.

But this story is on a death of a frog.

For a knocking over a person, it's another different coping mechanism.

Maybe we'll go deep soon.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Caged Enrage | Madness

Have you ever feel like killing someone?

Murderous thought which doesn't make self being your own victim.

Nope, I do not have any suggestive vote on suicide but sometimes,

we do wanna kill a human?

If and only if such act is legal.

If and only if human is merely pest.

If and only if we could do anything what we want (to practice animal-ish life).

Hahah!

I don't always get mad at people to extent of getting rid them off my face near instant...

Nope, I don't.

Last time I was too mad at someone was in 2008,

too occupied in inexpressive anger that made me cried instead.

Plain idiot.

Why must crying represent weakness?

Feeling weak and vulnerable for crying over anger is pure idiocy.

I loathe frail character.

After these very 7 years,

a frail character managed to snap my sane.

Doesn't she know I barely keep my sane intact, eh!

Nah, ain't barely keeping sane but patience intact.

She tested my patience well. Kudos!

Picture a frail character, soft spoken voice, a lady-like suave tied to a bull-headed stubbornness.

Read that bull-headed stubbornness as an unnecessary being stubborn at wrong time, so called being independent almost every wrong occasions.

Ahah!

I hate your guts. I hate your attitude of fragile facade.

Because behind that cotton candy coating, there is a BS core within.

Hahah!

By this moment, I have low tolerance to BS.

It is okay for me if you admit your BS attitude or behaviour to my face,

but to fake it and being pretentious,

I really wanna punch that 'pretty face' of yours saying,

"Cut all craps, I know your game. Save it for others who doesn't know, yet."

So I admit, "I'm fake and hypocrite too."

No pretense.

Sadly, not everyone could walk their fake mask proud on hallway or to flaunt it on runway.

I may be a smug with too many BS and confidence.

But, please drop your facade.

I read your moves even before you mill churns anything.

Oh! I was judged too and being compared to you. LOL

When I have this happy-go-lucky image, went all funky easy going friendly with others,

you got this stuck up preserving 'ikhtilat' facade, the most lady like,

the most wanted 'in-law' anyone could ever get.

Trust me,

I stuck around you enough to know your theories and practicals on surviving life is near zero.

When I thought I am an ignoramus smug,

girl, why do you beat my title to lack common sense and being an ignorant at the same time.

Though I have to credit you because it is due,

"Girl, you love to trouble yourself with BLOODSHOT unnecessary things (read: helping others who doesn't even need your help but using you instead)."

Should I spit "padan muka" for not setting your priority right or "padan muka" for being too courteous with manipulating human.

Sadly, 

I tried to straighten you up many times,

being supportive and all before I realise,

you bring upon all these dooms to yourself.

Your choice.

Thus, do have fun with your imaginary scoliosis, girl.

I don't know who could knock any sense into your head.

Trying to calm down,

post 2 days of annoyance.

Misguided,

Lighthouse.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Existential Crisis

Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?

Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,

one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,

but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,

he may has killed himself first before anyone else.

If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.

What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?

The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?

Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?

What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,

"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.

It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.

Though one shall argue,

one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.

Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.

Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.

Does anyone has thought of this even once?

I don't want to be an odd ball.

Hahah.

*chuckling over agitation*

Hahah.

Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,

I do not know how to continue this,

just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Jalan Pulang

Petang itu redup. Tidak tersangka-sangka di penghujung tahun begini, matahari masih sudi menunjukkan rupa. Barangkali Tuhan ada pesan, jarang-jarang selaklah awan supaya makhluk di bumi tak kejung dek dingin hujan. Redup, angin sejuk. Mama bilang, jika mahu tahu bagaimana hawa negeri Kanggaru itu ibarat menghadap sepoi penyaman udara tetapi berdiri di terik siang. Begitu enaknya. Bagiku, redup dan sedikit angin sejuk sudah memadai kerana kami bersandar di dahan pokok.

Dia sederhana berselipar jepun, tangan di saku jeans yang menunggu masa untuk rabak. Sebelah badan masih menyandar selepas aku beralih tempat kebosanan. Mencangkung, kukuis dedaun kering-lembab di tanah.

"Rasa macam makin sesatlah." kerling ke mana hala pandangan matanya. Tunggu respon.

"Hm?" sepatah. Kening sahaja diangkat tanda tanya. Sepatah. Bertuah.

"Sesat tak jumpa cari jalan pulang." aku jelaskan seringkas rasa sesat yang dirasakan sekarang. Kali ini giliran tanah pula dikuis, selepas dedaun diselak bogel. Mungkin jika dikuis tanah ini penuh konsentrasi, cacing pula muncul sebagai makhluk ketiga.

"Ini." dia angkat lengan kedua belah gaya robot tak cukup sifat. "Ini." dia ulang.

"Apa? Angkat tangan macam tu. Nak menari robot ke apa?" aku balas malas. Debu habuk yang terlekat di kain dikibas-kibas, mula bangkit. Tak puas hati bila ditanya soalan jawabnya bahasa isyarat bahasa badan gerak tangan. Aku tak ambil lagi kursus penuh 'Teknik Memahami Bahasa Badan Manusia'.

Dia gelak. Tangan masih bergaya robot atau hantu pocong a la filem cina zaman dulu-dulu. Hantu yang lompat-lompat kejar orang tu, bila ditampal azimat ke dahi muka baru beku. Iya, macam itu lah gaya dia.

"Ini. Jalan pulang..." gelak kecil mati. Aku tarik balik muncung-muncung mulut selepas bebel tidak puas hati tadi. Dia tenung tajam, riak muka agak serius agak tidak berperasaan.

"Hahah!" aku tepis rasa debar dengan gelak sinis. Amboi! Jalan pulang untuk rasa sesat kita rupanya pulang ke dakapan dia.

Bertuah!

TaMMaT

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Being Apologetic

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I'm sorry.

My apology.

I apologize for ...

Honestly, I don't know.

Remember how the world make fun or adore Canadian's manner over being apologetic at almost every situation.

I'm no a Canadian but in my point of view,

to being rude or polite, it does not count what country you were born in, what colour of your skin may be tinted with, what race would you belong.

To own such manner, apologetic or not,

it comes from brought up of one's family,

if the family was broken,

the manner came from one's life principles as long as he breathe.

Yes, we could see how well behave a human become from a miserable household,

we could even see how bad a human turned out from a happy family,

we could see how an orphan ended up being a masked devil or winged angel.

Now we are about to reflect to see which categories we fall in.

Which is yours?

Advertisement: I was watching Berlari ke Bintang whilst typing this,

wow, oh, wow! That wife is a bitch!

Her husband and kid (Intan) are almost an angel.

A stingy judgemental bitch.

Now pray unmarried young lad, for you must find a decent wife to marry, not a bitch nor trophy wife.

Pray to God, till your knees hurt.

*I rarely watch Malay drama because of screwed up scripts, but this drama is good*

May God bless the production crews.

Getting back again,

which caterogy do I fall into?

I apologise too much.

I'm sorry for being me,

sorry that I hurted you,

my apology if my presence ever tilted your balanced world.

Silly enough to ask for human's forgiveness over being alive?

Am I an ungrateful servant of God?

Was I trying hard to please human over the Almighty?

Let those questions seep in deep in heart while repenting every mistakes I had done, or might do.

The sinner.

Subconciously following heart's desire, The Nafs.

Conciously following misguided brain, The Thinker.

What if I tell you, my ultimate escapism is sleep, Half Dead.

My soul would leave the body, the Jasad (body) would be incapable to add any sins into heavily darkened book of deed?

How one could be so sure by sleeping, one could escape making any sins?

Or at least one could hope his sleep turned into an Ibadah (The Deed)?

I don't know, sincerely I do not know.

I'm a human, for one could try (The Intention) to stop commit sins.

May God count my good will, and may He Erase and put halt to any evil will to others (The Makhluk).

Let me tell you,

never start your sentence with 'No offence',

because whatever words follow no offence, they will sound offensive.

Say what you want to say, apologise to them if to speak out your mind will cost you their forgiveness.

Thing that I loathe most is to feel indebted with human.

Thing that I afraid most is to hurt human's feeling if they would never forgive me.

Thing that I hope most is to have a family (if ever have any) that I could nurture us well at every high and low.

May Allah Ease.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: Should not step low to please human, should us?

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Words in .jpg Format

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I've been thinking, what else could I do to prevent this mind from becoming dull.

Well, if one (the one) read this, one must know where this title was inspired.

Well, again. You inspired me in a way.

Ah, thank Lord for being a mature human, at your age.

It was fun, it is fun, still.

And dear God, please grant him some speed in typing.

Though I shall admit, I do type fast but prone to make tons of typo (typing error).

Just on another note, I won't commit any typo if I was talking about serious matter.

For an example, I was trying hard to woo you?

Hahaha.

Now,

let's heed an image below.

***

Since internet is super slow over exceeding usage of bandwidth,

Shall share the quote,

if one shall denote them as a quote,

even if they deserved to be called as a quote,

the point is,

random thing found over internet but I adore it so,

ended up saving the images and I'm sharing it's gem with humans.

(contemplating if bots would read this blog, ah, beggar can't choose!)

ONE OF THEHARDESTDECISIONSYOU'LL EVERFACE IN LIFEIS CHOOSINGWHETHERTO WALKAWAY ORTRY HARDER.

Above is one of the images saved because they are interesting.

Sometimes, being fickle does not mean one cannot make a choice but has a problem which would satisfy his needs or which would please people around.

If I were to justify being fickle over things.

But most of the times, 

I'd know what I want.

An example again, I would go bold by saying,

"I want you."

with a straight bitch resting face, expressionless cold tone... after 5 seconds one could find me running away because of shame.

LOL.

But, what is courage?

Courage or Boldness?

Err, it depends. I don't know what sentences should I ramble to justify my random acts of boldness,

but

unfortunately the writer does wear her heart on sleeves.

One time confession is not enough? Enough?

Said an almost genius Kahlil Gibran, 

"Try, failed. Try harder, failed better.""Wait until you find someone who worth more than 3 tries."

giving me more points to ponder.

Hahha, I doooooo ponder a lot over your advises, *maybe*

:)

Till this day, date and time.

I'm still wondering if I should give up or try harder.

Even though I did remark your opinions with,

"One must know when to quit."

To counter self defense,

"One will not quit if one worth it?"

*I'm puzzled honestly*

Being practical over things,

weighing in this age, where shall find such human that could intrigue me enough,

to fight but to reconcile later,

to sulk but to crawl back sooner,

to dote and to love better?

Auwww!

*Hush*

My almost endless rant point is,

I have a lot of words in .jpg format.

Maybe could enjoy eye feasting at art gallery?

(I've been dying to sight seeing at Balai Seni Negara since forever but until now have no reason)

Reason why images are more tempting than words?

"If I rely on words, I'll be moving or circling around the ideas of the words.""Gimme pictures, I could see thing in various point of views."

See? My perception is better if it appears in form of image or at least I could picture it in mind.

I'm good at building concepts in mind.

*Imagine Iron Man 3 during the mind mapping scene*

I claim mine is better. Kahkah!

Power of imagination, honey.

Decent imagination? Double Kahkah! 

p/s: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Sepatah

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Rasa, dah patut mulakan tabiat jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Kecuali soalan anak-anak saudara,

minda kanak-kanak sedang berkembang memang akan banyak bertanya.

Ibarat iklan susu formula di televisyen,

"Menggalakkan sambungan neuron-neuron otak."

Tapi adik-beradik dulu, membesar dengan susu cap gantung, wakaka.

Sebab anak Mama ni memilih tak nak minum susu lembu,

anak Mama ni anak manusia berlagaknya.

Allah!

Habis, engko ingat yang suap anak-anak kecil mereka dengan susu formula tu sengaja bagi minum susu lembu?

Susu kambing?

Ah, kalau susu kucing boleh dieksploitasi,

susu kucing pun orang niagakan, mungkin.

Sebab pernah jumpa manusia yang memandang sinis akan ibu muda yang memberi minum anak dalam botol.

Bodoh. Sepatah. Untuk prejudis.

Bebal. Sepatah. Untuk skeptik.

Cubalah berfikiran baik tentang manusia, (husnuzhon).

Mana tahu dalam botol tu susu perahan ke?

Mana tahu si ibu sudah kekeringan sampai tak boleh menyusu anak sendiri?

Tambah lagi ibu beranak sulung,

engko ingat boleh keluar terus macam coklat mencurah ke ladang gandum?

Nah, bodoh dan bebal sebab cepat menghukum.

*seronok berlagak jadi Tuhan, bukan*

Tapi, sebagai perempuan bujang yang mungkin dilabel bebal bodoh kemudian hari, 

"Sudahlah bujang, ada hati punya nafsu nak nasihatkan kami yang berkeluarga."
"Maaf, kakak, ibu sekalian. Saya minta bersangka baik sahaja."

Dah kalau si ibu sengaja bagi anak susu formula dari umur sehari lagi, nak cakap apa?

Engko istighfar, senyum dan mula perlahan-lahan buat suara hasutan,

"Eh, you tak tahu ker? Kalau anak menyusu badan, body you akan cepat lansing?! OMG, I love your body..."

Alar, biarlah bunyi bimbo ker gedik semacam,

tapi niat nak menghasut supaya si ibu tadi beri susu badan ke anak,

apa salahnya.

Mengeratkan hubungan antara anak-ibu, kot.

inshaAllah tak jadi kejadian kurang kasih sayang keluarga,

err,

tak tahu. Tapi doanya begitu.

Berbalik kepada persoalan asal.

Dulu, iya.

Memang jawab soalan manusia sepatah-sepatah.

Sehinggalah ter-berkenalan dengan seketul hamba Tuhan enam tahun lepas.

Ter?

Sebab tak jangka penghujung kami begini.

Dia sebuah sejarah dan pengajaran. 

Syukur juga,

Tuhan letak takdir di awal aku kenal dunia, aku kenal dia.

Dia yang pernah menjadi 'crush', kahkah.

Gelaklah.

Dia yang aku rasa bukan cinta, sejenis obsesi sahaja.

Dia yang di mata sekarang, seperti kembar Abah versi muda.

Dia yang hadir selepas Abah tiada.

Dia yang mengajar diri menaip ejaan penuh kurang etika rempit.

(Zaman SMS tengah rancak, semua vokal konsonan dicantas)

Jadi, berasbabkan dia kaki drama,

suka jelaskan apa-apa panjang lebar sampai habis aksara 1 muka surat SMS.

Belajar daripada dia.

Takkan orang taip mesej panjang-panjang kita nak balas sepatah, kan?

Dah lah dalam satu mesej, ada 3-4 soalan dia bedil.

Terdidik menjadi teliti dalam membalas, penuh penerangan dan kadang terjangkit perangai kaki drama dia.

Mr Pujangga. Kelewang.

Dia sejenis 'unrequited love' selama 5-6 tahun, 

sampai hampir semua manusia yang muncul depan mata cuba-cuba rasa,

aku akan bandingkan dengan dia.

Gila!

Gila, bukan?

Iya, dia bukan cinta.

Cuma sejenis obsesi diri yang buta tentang hidup dan rasa.

Dia ibarat malaikat pelindung yang mengelakkan diri daripada menjadi seekor 'playgirl' pemunah rasa lelaki yang berjaya.

Walau tak dinafikan, hampir suku abad hidup,

hampir 10 orang dah 'confess' dan ditolak bodoh-bodoh kerana dia.

Hahaha. 

Bodoh sungguh.

Tapi, itulah.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.

Dia di mana sekarang?

Dia masih ada, mengajar di hulu sana.

Sekarang berkeputusan untuk putuskan hubungan obsesi tak cerdik ini.

Makin waras,

Alhamdulillah.

Sudah tidak membanding semua lelaki kepadanya.

Putus kerana sudah tidak punya sebab untuk berhubungan lagi.

Hendak bertanya khabar, tidak tahu rasa.

Janggal. 

Ralat.

Dia sendiri sudah tidak menyebut nama.

Hanya seketul "Dia" jika dia tertanya khabarku kepada kawan kami.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana menggerakkan hati hambaMu nan jahil ini untuk kenal dengannya.

Ramadhan 2008.

Sedang berlatih membalas persoalan manusia, sepatah-sepatah.

Sekarang aku rasa, 

bebelan panjang tiada makna.

Coretan panjang, terlalu kisah gayanya.

Sedang membancuh simen untuk konkritkan hati dengan pujuk rayu manusia.

Soft sides (sisi lembut) dah banyak kali terpijak, dipijakkan. 

Penat.

Penat memberi perhatian.

Bukan untuk dihargai,

cuma penat.

Diri ini manusia, bukan malaikat.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Tatasusila

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: moga Tuhan memberkati hidup matimu.

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Abyss of Gigolo-ness.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Being a middle child, almost had it all except a little brother.

The youngest was dead during infancy about 8 days after struggling in NICU.

Mom said, she looks like me when she was little.

And she is also the only one with different name's initial; Siti Fatimah.

I asked her, why named her so?

She replied, there was this matron, advised mom to gave the late that name.

Rest in peace.

Why do bother to talk about dead sinless people?

Because I've always been dreaming to have a younger brother.

Expecting my sister to get married faster, so that I could have one,

she laughed at me.

"No! Tak nak langkah bendul."

Stunned, what the fish. Langkah bendul apanya,

nak nikah, nikah sahaja, lah. I don't mind.

Since I know, I might be dead before marrying anyone.

Boo! Sound pessimist?

Nope, just facing reality. Had to weigh all possible ends.

"What will happen, happens. What may happen, one could pray for it not to happen."

There, I said it.

Getting back on track relating abyss of gigoloness.

Mior buzzed me over my decision to deactivate twitter account.

Praising himself high thinking he was the first person to realise I was gone.

Alolo, comelnya. (He'd hate me for writing this)

But you asked for it.

Thus, Muahaha!?

hahaha. *sincere laugh*

Abyss of gigolo-ness,

he did come with such phrase. Of course I'd like to have him as a brother,

but 'Cinta tak boleh dipaksa' and the hell am I to break his relationship with his significant other.

Err, since my little sister has her own standard about man.

I rest such thought.

On another note, I had this notion since I was young, during hostel life or even university,

senior or sophomore was busy eyeing freshies to make them so called 'Adik Angkat'.

Hahaha.

I would went, "Meh! The fish..."

Thinking I had enough drama with my own siblings, the-considerate-generous-sister, every-day-I-nag-brother, half-a-woman-little sister.

LOL.

Aktiviti beradik-adik angkat is a waste of time.

If I want to dote on anyone, I'd keep them well.

Our 'ship' need no label. As long as we know, we are doing deeds to other humans?

Sebagai saudara seakidah, hablumminannas,

Saudara semakhluk, kena adil.

Though, I shall admit such action can be perceived as being selectively treating people?

Oh, come on!

For once just admit,

you had someone whom you like or adore most.

Mior?

Haha, he is a human whom grown old beyond his age.

Gigolo? Pray for I would be rich enough to sponsor 'makhluk-makhluk Tuhan di jalan jihad - belajar'.

Tunggu habis bayar hutang.

Hutang kan wajib bayar.

Lapor diri ke KKM Januari nanti, inshaAllah will try to plan and manage money wisely.

Sedekah apa yang patut, jolly some on parent.

And to those whom used to think we went broke since dad is no longer around.

Shame on you?

And thank you for making us ponder about our self value.

LOL. We went broke. Jeez.

Sebab dia (makhluk) tu lupa, rezki ni datang kut duit sahaja mungkin.

Mungkin, lah.

Kesimpulan,

abyss of gigoloness.

It depends on how you perceive gigolo?

Hahha, if one were to define what a gigolo is, a noun.

I might be stoned to death to try to argue about their stance,

but,

there is always a but.

My intention is to sponsor people whom want to study.

Not exploiting any in sexual term.

Astagfirullah.

We do know, mind could go dull due to money constraint.

Been there, felt that, embrace that, hate that.

Hate being broke.

(read: I don't want to ask money from parent, will survive from what I have."

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat Nak Belanja Wang ke Mana?

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: are you not entertained? Hahaha ;)

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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The Heart | Crossed or Written

I write what things that worry me, just to write things off,
whether those words are published or not.
I kept what I should keep and display what's needed.

Write things that worried me,
If I could, I would choose to not to turning up on people and letting them know.
I would rather keep them to myself, again and again.
Built up anger or frustration; till the dam holding them explodes, to cry self out, which would never cry in front of others, if I could.
Call it ego or having a damn mountain of pride, but exposing self to others in my defense is an obsolete move.
*Imagine a chess board*
Do not want to seem vulnerable and fragile.
Be a tough cookie, this chant echoes repeatedly every downfall.
Hold them in, hahah.
Screw Elsa for singing Let it go.

So I write things off.
Those words may sound full of cynics and sarcasm.
Some would even picture me as an angry cynical young lady after reading stuff I posted.
Being critical may be wrong may be wise depends on what occasion.
"I never thought that you were funny and witty."
"Well, thank you for judging me before knowing me in reality."
To such remark, I would smile and nod, or blew those queries with chuckles.

The road not taken; the road which I led, the path I used to crawl never running.
That what makes me till today.
Used to wish, to wipe some bad memories off, wishing for selective amnesia  (I can choose what to delete),
then a sister replied to those silly thoughts:
"Please don't dear, they make who you are know."
Her words are longer till tears breakdown after moments of lament.

Then I stood, messed up and screwed, judged or ignored, stride hallways because I could.
I will write my emotions and what baffle me off.
Just do not expect me to open up to people that easy.
Let me be your damn good listener, your crying shoulder.
Do not ask about my chamber of secret till I open up to you.
Trust is to gain, not to be tossed around after begging for one.

Remarks to Cry Fiction Baby,
if one ever asked I would never read sad stories or watch heartbreaking movies.
Just handle your own drama.

::Toodles::

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Perception | Way Life is Viewed.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I can't help but to comment on how we deal with any gargantuan issues in this country.

Since today is second of October in 2014,

urge to recall my last post on first January by calling 2014 as "The Darkest Year" or "Zaman Kegelapan" for us to live.

Previous rant was about increment in daily basic needs like flour, fuel, electricity or whatever extra money we need to spend to survive.

Fiuu!

We survived till October mates...

*a Hooray!*

Then,

here came news of government revoking 20 cents of oil subsidies for RON95 and Diesel.

You may view this horrendous revoke as, "Meh, they revoke the subsidies only!"

or

join a wagon of mine with tad bit of rage sounded, "Crap! Now fuel's prices will increase 20 cents!"

though,

last fuel's price spike I do hear such response like, "Man, it is just 20 cents. No big deal. Here my 20 bucks and 20 cents for my fuel."

Oh Lord!

Last comment was a sarcastic joke or he was just plain stupid.

*forgive me, my language*

And,

craps do happen.

To tone down this enraged entry,

let's correlate Sex Education in America with our leaders point of view.

God, I hope this doesn't sound seditious at any cost, just trying to put some sense into current nonliteral massacre.

Many of us may have seen in movies with Sex Education class promoting abstinence instead of teaching those lads how to practice safe sex.

Ehem!

Nope, not gonna talk bout sex, but-t.

If one use an analogy for theory above,

under same principle; if you want to practice safe sex, go abstinence.

If you want to avoid motor vehicle accident, you shouldn't drive, use public transport.

If you do not want to get hurt, don't play with knife.

In this country, if you want to keep your money intact and avoid burdensome increase cost of living, you should stop using or buying those items.

Hello!

*knock knock*

*echoes*

Guess what, I just knock some people's brains and it shows presence of resonance.

p/s: not my fault if you don't get this joke.

Yes, sure. 

Less subsidies for people of the country means more money left for governance, err, for government.

Sure, those money are for governance indeed... *rolled eyes*

Unfortunately I do not and cannot trust how those people spend people's money (paid taxes).

Their decision to revoke only RON95 and Diesel's subsidies still baffle this less skeptic mind.

Why don't we play a fair game, revoke 20 cents too for RON97 fuel? Why?

Was it because RON95 and Diesel have a bigger consumer, and you could save tons of fund?

vice versa goes for RON97.

We know what kind of people use such fuel, not from middle class people and certainly not those barely to live human.

Besides, a few weeks ago, a statistic came out claiming our country average family income was RM5900?

The heck was that? Atrocious accusation or they (the claimer) just had proven we have distinct gap of living classes.

So, I blame capitalism.

Who cares whatever blame I chose.

To make things clear,

must end this entry before more repugnant snide comment written.

Whoever you chose to blame,

maybe one should blame oneself first.

What did you do till it leads to this?

What did you contribute to make this country a better place to live in?

What are you willing to sacrifice for future generation?

Inhumaneness.

Is.

Us.

Swallow it!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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