I Think, Therefore I Am

Assalam and greetings,

That's how I usually start an email to anyone.

It has been ages since I updated anything.

Almost 5 years, if it were a boy; he would be running headless in a hypothetical house

living life as a kid.

So if I could choose an age to retain eternally; being 5 or a 6 years old is an option.

There were memories,

Some are still there, most were erased.

Mind is an intriguing 'place'.

Easily fabricated.

My narrative may not be the same as other humans if we were to experience a same event.

We chose to perceive what;

One ought to deny what one perceive as it shall defy what one chose to believe.

Do we really have to bother what others are/were thinking of us?

Does their opinions matter? 

Do people's perception shall affect your life in any bit?

Would you die for not pleasing others?

Did you live your life accordingly as if it is relevant for public back slash?

Does your action has taken a negative effect on surrounding?

Are you happy?

What is happiness? Do all human deserve it?

How to not entertain idiocy without affecting your sanity?

I think too much of what if this and that.

I thought I could achieve this without sacrificing that.

I thought I would be strong; to never fall and keep walking (even the path made me drag my feet).

I am stretchable, limit is what set by my less reliable mind.

I have reach my limit;

A band that bound to snap.

Time to recoil and take a break.

If life is a race, I am a rabbit napping under a tree now.

I need that.

Stay on top. 

This too shall pass, Yy.

p/s: Ask for an easier path, being strong simply means the greater the hurdles.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Existential Crisis

Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?

Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,

one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,

but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,

he may has killed himself first before anyone else.

If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.

What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?

The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?

Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?

What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,

"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.

It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.

Though one shall argue,

one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.

Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.

Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.

Does anyone has thought of this even once?

I don't want to be an odd ball.

Hahah.

*chuckling over agitation*

Hahah.

Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,

I do not know how to continue this,

just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Live Like a Total Brat

... with screwed views on love.

I could hardly remember when I started having this notion,

"Say NO to puppy love!"

"No dating until you'd done studying."

Those kinds of chants or principles I would denote them so.

Maybe yes and maybe not.

It started when I was a kid.

Was a less girlish back then, when was little.

To climb trees, jumping from one branch to another, to play around with boys,

extreme level of hide and seek till got a jab of tetanus shot for rusty nails prick.

Ah!

I did burn one of mom's Tupperware collection.

We were playing cooking with real fire,

boiling water for drinks, out of curiosity I burnt a plastic container with a pure stupidity plastic would not melt.

No, the crime scene was behind a post office, next to our neighbourhood.

People say stuff like don't shit where you eat.

Muahaha!

That could explain much our parents still not know about that menace (maybe or they stay shut?)

Loss count to how many mirrors I had broken for my experiments with fire and cold water.

*they are the mirrors one could get on round-shaped back in the 90s sharpener*

Not that I had too many boys friend but it was not a cute and cuddly childhood.

Let alone rebellious phase.

*I miss Along, he was my neighbour's cousin. All I could remember is he was in green school uniform (KRS?)*

Then I entered primary education.

Was a bully. Standard two, were separated from bully gang ended up studying in nerdy class.

Primary school's memory we are not all rainbows and sunshine.

I was sluggish, heck yeah!

Filled with angst and ignorance.

Living in own world, hardly could mingle (being a PTS student was quite a curse)

Don't really fit in. Back in those years,

I learnt;

1. Pretty girl will be wooed by boys
2. Students favours over teacher
3. Hitting puberty is another hell (for others)
4. I don't really miss those years.

Hard to admit but maybe those earlier notions I got when I saw those pretty girls lingering around puppy love didn't really succeed.

*That was my school, I do not know about yours*

Those maybe the years when silently anarchism creeping in.

Hahha!

but I do, I don't do much wheedle hardly I flatter people for my advantages.

Why would I? Kissing arse is not something to be proud of.

Or maybe I was jealous that I'm not pretty neat enough back then?

HAHAHA. Nope, not a pinch.

Still, the same scenario keep repeating itself in high school.

Those pretty girls, kissing arse flock, I chose to become a PRS.

The safest choice?

Anyhow,

what is up with puppy love?

Are they really harmful?

I watched two movies tonight: If I Stay (laptop) and Flipped on DIVA.

They made me think if I could grow up once again,

would I try to fall in love at early age?

With this mind now; NO I do not want to grow up once again, a mistake is a mistake.

Must dang girl learn well from it or learn from others' mistakes.

We ain't live that long.

This thought left me wonder,

what would I have become if I had a lover or a few before.

Must be funny, I would be damaged than I am.

Imagine this,

without puppy love or several heartbreaks,

my view on love is way too screwed.

Had trust issue for a trust is to gain.

Well, had a few crushes before but they are all almost smart, witty, charismatic people.

Another curse: a sapiosexual.

Being a so called PRS, I witnessed and lent too many shoulders for beloveds' heartbreaks.

May have glued their broken pieces of hearts.

May have curse or mock some of those guys.

Yeah, another notion of mine.

Don't mess with my girls; I'll let you suffer on death bed (figuratively) pondering your wrongdoings.

Hehe.

So, here I am.

Still with screwed views on love.

Considering whom should I believe and give my trust.

Who could surpass this imaginary wonder wall of mine.

If I wasn't a dry heart jerk, might perform as a well lived playgirl back in those days.

Thank God for these hardened principles.

Status: thinking who worth to spent time, thought, effort, money, heart, prayers on.

Hahha!

p/s: hurted tongue, munched too much M&M :(

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Jalan Pulang

Petang itu redup. Tidak tersangka-sangka di penghujung tahun begini, matahari masih sudi menunjukkan rupa. Barangkali Tuhan ada pesan, jarang-jarang selaklah awan supaya makhluk di bumi tak kejung dek dingin hujan. Redup, angin sejuk. Mama bilang, jika mahu tahu bagaimana hawa negeri Kanggaru itu ibarat menghadap sepoi penyaman udara tetapi berdiri di terik siang. Begitu enaknya. Bagiku, redup dan sedikit angin sejuk sudah memadai kerana kami bersandar di dahan pokok.

Dia sederhana berselipar jepun, tangan di saku jeans yang menunggu masa untuk rabak. Sebelah badan masih menyandar selepas aku beralih tempat kebosanan. Mencangkung, kukuis dedaun kering-lembab di tanah.

"Rasa macam makin sesatlah." kerling ke mana hala pandangan matanya. Tunggu respon.

"Hm?" sepatah. Kening sahaja diangkat tanda tanya. Sepatah. Bertuah.

"Sesat tak jumpa cari jalan pulang." aku jelaskan seringkas rasa sesat yang dirasakan sekarang. Kali ini giliran tanah pula dikuis, selepas dedaun diselak bogel. Mungkin jika dikuis tanah ini penuh konsentrasi, cacing pula muncul sebagai makhluk ketiga.

"Ini." dia angkat lengan kedua belah gaya robot tak cukup sifat. "Ini." dia ulang.

"Apa? Angkat tangan macam tu. Nak menari robot ke apa?" aku balas malas. Debu habuk yang terlekat di kain dikibas-kibas, mula bangkit. Tak puas hati bila ditanya soalan jawabnya bahasa isyarat bahasa badan gerak tangan. Aku tak ambil lagi kursus penuh 'Teknik Memahami Bahasa Badan Manusia'.

Dia gelak. Tangan masih bergaya robot atau hantu pocong a la filem cina zaman dulu-dulu. Hantu yang lompat-lompat kejar orang tu, bila ditampal azimat ke dahi muka baru beku. Iya, macam itu lah gaya dia.

"Ini. Jalan pulang..." gelak kecil mati. Aku tarik balik muncung-muncung mulut selepas bebel tidak puas hati tadi. Dia tenung tajam, riak muka agak serius agak tidak berperasaan.

"Hahah!" aku tepis rasa debar dengan gelak sinis. Amboi! Jalan pulang untuk rasa sesat kita rupanya pulang ke dakapan dia.

Bertuah!

TaMMaT

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Words in .jpg Format

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I've been thinking, what else could I do to prevent this mind from becoming dull.

Well, if one (the one) read this, one must know where this title was inspired.

Well, again. You inspired me in a way.

Ah, thank Lord for being a mature human, at your age.

It was fun, it is fun, still.

And dear God, please grant him some speed in typing.

Though I shall admit, I do type fast but prone to make tons of typo (typing error).

Just on another note, I won't commit any typo if I was talking about serious matter.

For an example, I was trying hard to woo you?

Hahaha.

Now,

let's heed an image below.

***

Since internet is super slow over exceeding usage of bandwidth,

Shall share the quote,

if one shall denote them as a quote,

even if they deserved to be called as a quote,

the point is,

random thing found over internet but I adore it so,

ended up saving the images and I'm sharing it's gem with humans.

(contemplating if bots would read this blog, ah, beggar can't choose!)

ONE OF THEHARDESTDECISIONSYOU'LL EVERFACE IN LIFEIS CHOOSINGWHETHERTO WALKAWAY ORTRY HARDER.

Above is one of the images saved because they are interesting.

Sometimes, being fickle does not mean one cannot make a choice but has a problem which would satisfy his needs or which would please people around.

If I were to justify being fickle over things.

But most of the times, 

I'd know what I want.

An example again, I would go bold by saying,

"I want you."

with a straight bitch resting face, expressionless cold tone... after 5 seconds one could find me running away because of shame.

LOL.

But, what is courage?

Courage or Boldness?

Err, it depends. I don't know what sentences should I ramble to justify my random acts of boldness,

but

unfortunately the writer does wear her heart on sleeves.

One time confession is not enough? Enough?

Said an almost genius Kahlil Gibran, 

"Try, failed. Try harder, failed better.""Wait until you find someone who worth more than 3 tries."

giving me more points to ponder.

Hahha, I doooooo ponder a lot over your advises, *maybe*

:)

Till this day, date and time.

I'm still wondering if I should give up or try harder.

Even though I did remark your opinions with,

"One must know when to quit."

To counter self defense,

"One will not quit if one worth it?"

*I'm puzzled honestly*

Being practical over things,

weighing in this age, where shall find such human that could intrigue me enough,

to fight but to reconcile later,

to sulk but to crawl back sooner,

to dote and to love better?

Auwww!

*Hush*

My almost endless rant point is,

I have a lot of words in .jpg format.

Maybe could enjoy eye feasting at art gallery?

(I've been dying to sight seeing at Balai Seni Negara since forever but until now have no reason)

Reason why images are more tempting than words?

"If I rely on words, I'll be moving or circling around the ideas of the words.""Gimme pictures, I could see thing in various point of views."

See? My perception is better if it appears in form of image or at least I could picture it in mind.

I'm good at building concepts in mind.

*Imagine Iron Man 3 during the mind mapping scene*

I claim mine is better. Kahkah!

Power of imagination, honey.

Decent imagination? Double Kahkah! 

p/s: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Boneka Ais Kering

120506122014

Perasaan sekarang tak tahu nak cakap apa.
Macam kena tipu ada,
dipermainkan pun ada.
Tapi untuk ditipu dan dipermainkan, mesti ada saham salah aku jugak kan?
Haruslah, tak boleh penat untuk salahkan diri sendiri dulu.
Dan kerja buat tingkahlaku ada balasannya.
Jadi, selepas salahkan diri sendiri.
Kita, kita mula bodohkan diri sendiri, dalam erti kata mengaku yang diri ni jahil (tidak tahu),
pilih untuk jahil (untuk tidak mengambil tahu),
kerana menjadi 'ignorant' sudah terlalu dibanggakan dan dibiasakan.
Perihal yang terbiasakan,
salah diri juga. Semua salah diri sebelum salahkan orang lain.
Itu sahaja.

Rasional tak tahu nak rasa apa selepas tertipu.
Untuk diri,
siapa suruh mudah percaya orang bulat-bulat.
Sekarang dah meremang bulu roma rasa bungkam dalam dada.
Rasa yang memberat, dada yang bergolak hebat.
Bergolak tidak tahu mahu rasanya apa.
Rasa diperbodohkan tidak seronok. Tidak enak.
Dan, untuk dibodohkan perlu beri percaya buta dahulu, sebelum tunding jari kepada penipu?
Mungkin sahaja aku boleh gelar dia, mereka, topeng-topeng kaca; tukang layar terbaik abad ini.
Aku pula boneka di layar merah, dipetakan rentak oleh tari tukang layar tadi.
Mungkin ini rasa Didi dalam aA+bB.
Mungkin ini rasa dipermainkan selepas kita bagi percaya dan kejujuran.
Rasa yang selepas menaip baris patah-patah teratas.
Rasa yang telah kutemu.
Rasa pahit, lebih pahit dari hempedu.

Jie,
ayat semalam makan prinsip aku kembali.

Jie,
"Menanam konsep redha dalam diri dan hati."
"Pahit pun boleh telan, kan?"
"Sedang dalam diri pun memang ada elemen pahit, hempedu, 'bile acid'."
"Apalah sangat pahit rasa emosi."

Jie,
sahaja aku telan kembali empat ayat yang terluah, semalam.
Pahit.

Terima kasih, Tuhan. Untuk pengajaran yang tidak putus datang.
Sayang, terima kasih. DugaMu tanda sayang.
Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan.
Bertahan kerana berTuhan.
Dan ini malam aku telan segala prinsip yang pernah dilaungkan; lantang.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Cinta Bukan Teori, tetapi Praktikal

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Dah taip entry rabak, tapi tak sanggup nak publish sebab ego.

Hahha!

Dasar perempuan, tinggi sangat harga diri, kan?

Terus ke tajuk.

Pengakuan, rasa macam dah matang sikit.

Dulu macam naif (bodoh sebenarnya) teruja dengan cerita nikah konon manis.

Kah!

Percaya cinta, cuma kurang percaya cinta manusia sahaja. Boleh?

Eh, cinta manusia kot?

Dan gara-gara enak asyik cinta manusia juga lah buat aku menjadi saksi hati-hati yang patah.

Dulu memanglah jawatan Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya, tapi jadi tukang dajalkan orang pun ada.

Rules breaker.

Dulu.

Sekarang?

Masih rules breaker, cuma buat jahat seorang-seorang, rebel sendiri-sendiri.

Kurang sikit tanggung dosa berjemaah.

Ingat senang nak lawan arus sampai kena sisih?

Outcast? Ah, biarlah.

Lagi senang lari, sebab bila buka mulut dan mula membahas,

depa yang sakit hati terentap jantung.

El pernah cakap (taip),

ayat aku direct and destructive.

Allah, tak ada niat pun nak remukkan hati siapa-siapa.

Terlebih jujur, versi omputeh oblivious?

Atau jujur sampai hilang adab?

Entah.

Masih fikir nak jaga hati manusia atau jaga 'hati' Tuhan.

Kadang,

ayat direct destructive kalau ditabur ke member-member pesen askhole,

yang sakit aku, bukan mereka.

Penat karang, penat berterus terang.

Dapatnya, cerita yang sama berulang, tukar garis masa sahaja.

Hati-hati yang patah tadi.

Nak nasihat tegur pakai apa?

Dalil Quran? Sama je.

Kau balas balik pakai dalil Quran jugak,

"Wahai manusia yang menggunakan ayat Tuhan untuk justifikasi diri sendiri?"

Hahha!

Cinta itu praktikal, sayang.

Teori cinta? Awak boleh pergi kedai buku dan masuk ke lorong 'self help',

Haa, kat situ banyak buku untuk mengurangkan rasa pedih cinta teori awak.

Cinta teori.

Contoh cinta teori bermula dengan definisi cinta.

Cara-cara memaknawikan cinta.

Bagaimana untuk menghadapi risiko cinta yang tak disambut, 'unrequited love'.

Bercinta a la Islamik. *scoff* sebab tanpa nikah.

Ah, sekarang tengah perlekehkan teori cinta manusia dua jantina, ajnabi.

Jangan pandai cuba-cuba nak putar kait ke cinta sesama makhluk.

Kecil besar aku baling dengan sepatu 4 inci!

*garang dan serius*

Dua malam lepas, mungkin.

Member sibuk hantar imej-imej comel kartun tentang definisi cinta.

Dan dipulang sebaris dua ke dia,

"Love is I want you. I don't have to justify what love is if you are by my side."

'I want' dan 'I need' tu lain. Fikirlah bezanya apa.

Lepas tu seketul datang balas,

"Kau tak boleh LDR lah macam ni woi!"

Kurang asam betul, penat aku fikir ayat tu,

*tak penat pun sebab definisi cinta tak pernah ada*

"Hal dia kat mana, hidup mati kalau jauh serah ke Tuhan. Tuhan jaga. Bimbang apa."

Pehh, redho dan tawakal dah tahap dewa dewa tukang bertapa di gunung lagaknya.

Tapi sungguh,

hati manusia ni Tuhan pegang sebab alaminya berbolak baik.

"Ya muqollibal qulubbb..."

Tuhan pegang hati dia, setia, setialah, curang, curanglah.

Cuma berharap, jika dia berakal atas firman Tuhan supaya berfikir,

dia tidak curang,

binasanya manusia itu atas tangannya sendiri.

Jika mahu curang sekalipun,

tolong duakan dengan makhluk yang lebih bagus baik hebat.

Itu sahaja.

Supaya tak ralat bila aku pergi.

Ralat kot nak tinggalkan makhluk yang kita sayang di tangan-tangan bimbo.

Iya, bimbo. Gelarkan aku perempuan bertopeng misandris,

tapi berasbabkan manusia ada akal, perempuan tak sepatutnya jadi seketul bimbo.

Cinta praktikal tu bagaimana?

Bila tembok ilusi teori cinta kau tadi, runtuh dirempuh realiti dunia.

Waktu tu, rasakan aura cinta teori tadi.

Silap-silap ke mahkamah syariah dengan cermin mata hitam sepasang seorang.

Nauzubillah.

Iya, masih bujang.

Keji lah, berhujahkan,

"Eleh, tak pernah bercinta ada hati jantung hempedu nak buka kuliah pasal cinta."

Sebagai saksi hati-hati yang patah sejak 10 tahun lepas.

Terlebih pengalaman sampai jadi penakut.

Penakut sampai lari tiap kali ada orang cuba dekat.

Kena marah sebab kenapa lari.

Tak apa, kali ini salahkan diri untuk jadi penakut.

Sebab pegang janji Tuhan,

Jodoh memang dah tertulis.

Mana tahu jodoh dengan maut datang dulu.

*senyum*

Hampir lupa, kadang terfikir,

kalau aku tak wujud, ada impak kesan ke kepada dunia?

Mungkin tiada, wallhua'lam.

Kerja Tuhan. Ada tujuan kita wujud kat dunia fana ni.

Kesimpulannya,

pasangan awak tu manusia. Bukan dongeng rekaan watak romantis dalam novel cinta drama senja.

Terimalah dia seadanya, insan lemah, jahil banyak.

Cuma, jangan terima bulat-bulat sampai langgar habis hukum syarak atas nama cinta.

Yang salah di pandangan Tuhan, tetap kena betulkan.

Dan Tuhan,

mohon ampun atas dosa-dosaku jika pernah menyesat-lalai-kan hati manusia.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Cinta ke Tuhan

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: lagu patah hati paling power, Warkah by Bau. Pehh!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Abyss of Gigolo-ness.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Being a middle child, almost had it all except a little brother.

The youngest was dead during infancy about 8 days after struggling in NICU.

Mom said, she looks like me when she was little.

And she is also the only one with different name's initial; Siti Fatimah.

I asked her, why named her so?

She replied, there was this matron, advised mom to gave the late that name.

Rest in peace.

Why do bother to talk about dead sinless people?

Because I've always been dreaming to have a younger brother.

Expecting my sister to get married faster, so that I could have one,

she laughed at me.

"No! Tak nak langkah bendul."

Stunned, what the fish. Langkah bendul apanya,

nak nikah, nikah sahaja, lah. I don't mind.

Since I know, I might be dead before marrying anyone.

Boo! Sound pessimist?

Nope, just facing reality. Had to weigh all possible ends.

"What will happen, happens. What may happen, one could pray for it not to happen."

There, I said it.

Getting back on track relating abyss of gigoloness.

Mior buzzed me over my decision to deactivate twitter account.

Praising himself high thinking he was the first person to realise I was gone.

Alolo, comelnya. (He'd hate me for writing this)

But you asked for it.

Thus, Muahaha!?

hahaha. *sincere laugh*

Abyss of gigolo-ness,

he did come with such phrase. Of course I'd like to have him as a brother,

but 'Cinta tak boleh dipaksa' and the hell am I to break his relationship with his significant other.

Err, since my little sister has her own standard about man.

I rest such thought.

On another note, I had this notion since I was young, during hostel life or even university,

senior or sophomore was busy eyeing freshies to make them so called 'Adik Angkat'.

Hahaha.

I would went, "Meh! The fish..."

Thinking I had enough drama with my own siblings, the-considerate-generous-sister, every-day-I-nag-brother, half-a-woman-little sister.

LOL.

Aktiviti beradik-adik angkat is a waste of time.

If I want to dote on anyone, I'd keep them well.

Our 'ship' need no label. As long as we know, we are doing deeds to other humans?

Sebagai saudara seakidah, hablumminannas,

Saudara semakhluk, kena adil.

Though, I shall admit such action can be perceived as being selectively treating people?

Oh, come on!

For once just admit,

you had someone whom you like or adore most.

Mior?

Haha, he is a human whom grown old beyond his age.

Gigolo? Pray for I would be rich enough to sponsor 'makhluk-makhluk Tuhan di jalan jihad - belajar'.

Tunggu habis bayar hutang.

Hutang kan wajib bayar.

Lapor diri ke KKM Januari nanti, inshaAllah will try to plan and manage money wisely.

Sedekah apa yang patut, jolly some on parent.

And to those whom used to think we went broke since dad is no longer around.

Shame on you?

And thank you for making us ponder about our self value.

LOL. We went broke. Jeez.

Sebab dia (makhluk) tu lupa, rezki ni datang kut duit sahaja mungkin.

Mungkin, lah.

Kesimpulan,

abyss of gigoloness.

It depends on how you perceive gigolo?

Hahha, if one were to define what a gigolo is, a noun.

I might be stoned to death to try to argue about their stance,

but,

there is always a but.

My intention is to sponsor people whom want to study.

Not exploiting any in sexual term.

Astagfirullah.

We do know, mind could go dull due to money constraint.

Been there, felt that, embrace that, hate that.

Hate being broke.

(read: I don't want to ask money from parent, will survive from what I have."

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat Nak Belanja Wang ke Mana?

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: are you not entertained? Hahaha ;)

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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