Memories: How to Forget and Forgive Self

Assalam and greetings,

It was a situation accidental death 

sudden one.

A babe of mine once mentioned how she felt,

how to cope with such abundance of feelings.

...

It was a death of a random frog at her house car porch

Accidentally rolled over an anonymous animal.

A frog to begin with.

Does life of a frog matter?

Would it worth it to lament over such incident?

What she did to such pity small animal, is it a sin for a believer?

If not a sin, would and could she kept rolling over frog or whatever insect at her house yards?

So I told her not to give a rat's arse about a dead animal, let alone a person...

To stand corrected,

Provided that she does not have any memories with the dead entity.

Asked her,

"DO YOU EVER HAVE ANY MEMORIES WITH THAT FROG?"

She laughed hard,

more to shrillig like a banshee right after she was about to feel sad and guilty.

"Twas a good hypothesis to play around."

All of us must have had lost some or too many one's we love.

But this story is on a death of a frog.

For a knocking over a person, it's another different coping mechanism.

Maybe we'll go deep soon.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

I Think, Therefore I Am

Assalam and greetings,

That's how I usually start an email to anyone.

It has been ages since I updated anything.

Almost 5 years, if it were a boy; he would be running headless in a hypothetical house

living life as a kid.

So if I could choose an age to retain eternally; being 5 or a 6 years old is an option.

There were memories,

Some are still there, most were erased.

Mind is an intriguing 'place'.

Easily fabricated.

My narrative may not be the same as other humans if we were to experience a same event.

We chose to perceive what;

One ought to deny what one perceive as it shall defy what one chose to believe.

Do we really have to bother what others are/were thinking of us?

Does their opinions matter? 

Do people's perception shall affect your life in any bit?

Would you die for not pleasing others?

Did you live your life accordingly as if it is relevant for public back slash?

Does your action has taken a negative effect on surrounding?

Are you happy?

What is happiness? Do all human deserve it?

How to not entertain idiocy without affecting your sanity?

I think too much of what if this and that.

I thought I could achieve this without sacrificing that.

I thought I would be strong; to never fall and keep walking (even the path made me drag my feet).

I am stretchable, limit is what set by my less reliable mind.

I have reach my limit;

A band that bound to snap.

Time to recoil and take a break.

If life is a race, I am a rabbit napping under a tree now.

I need that.

Stay on top. 

This too shall pass, Yy.

p/s: Ask for an easier path, being strong simply means the greater the hurdles.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Personal Satisfaction

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

When I used to have odd bantering over random issues with dad,

when we were on good term.

Hahah.

When I was too lazy to argue anymore,

"It's personal satisfaction, dad."

There he stopped bantering... till he continued again on another issues and till I responded with same answer.

Why did he paint his house the same color as his fence?

Such view tend to look odd.

Or I ought to answer him with ' people's personal satisfaction' when I can't answer his logic-illogical queries.

Not all question got answers, ey? But that reason is the easiest one.

And we can't turn back time. Missing him every now and then.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Jumping Conversation || Random

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Yo!
Feelin' a bit funky every now and then,
practically previous sentence is a lie.
Hardly updating any entry per month.
Perfect excuse is I jump into labor wagon,
enslaving life to work or passion,
ending days with whines and anticipation.
Lel.

The Labor Wagon:

Ain't getting comfy seat,
ain't booking any bunk but the ride
cause you bumps on head leading to
think-less state...

There, almost perfect excuse,
which is hardly true too.
Urgh, I don't know.
Phew!

Maybe not thinking much on people lately,
concentrating on being an ignoramus into perfection.
Maybe some issues keep cycling and bore me,
where extremist doesn't entertaining like puppet with strings on fire,
loosely relevant but jumpy they still.

Hell, what am I rambling.

Random popped inquisition:
I never find cursing is ever charming.
Casually using b*tch, f*ck and many more.
But sadly I do find hell, arse, bloody is not as bad as above example.
I do not know.
Anyhow,
making cursing a habit may be high chance do not provide a person with a decent image,
As a lady, as a man, a child.

Urgh, I do not know.

There. Lost some touch maybe.
Another excuse, maybe.

Toodles.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Caged Enrage | Madness

Have you ever feel like killing someone?

Murderous thought which doesn't make self being your own victim.

Nope, I do not have any suggestive vote on suicide but sometimes,

we do wanna kill a human?

If and only if such act is legal.

If and only if human is merely pest.

If and only if we could do anything what we want (to practice animal-ish life).

Hahah!

I don't always get mad at people to extent of getting rid them off my face near instant...

Nope, I don't.

Last time I was too mad at someone was in 2008,

too occupied in inexpressive anger that made me cried instead.

Plain idiot.

Why must crying represent weakness?

Feeling weak and vulnerable for crying over anger is pure idiocy.

I loathe frail character.

After these very 7 years,

a frail character managed to snap my sane.

Doesn't she know I barely keep my sane intact, eh!

Nah, ain't barely keeping sane but patience intact.

She tested my patience well. Kudos!

Picture a frail character, soft spoken voice, a lady-like suave tied to a bull-headed stubbornness.

Read that bull-headed stubbornness as an unnecessary being stubborn at wrong time, so called being independent almost every wrong occasions.

Ahah!

I hate your guts. I hate your attitude of fragile facade.

Because behind that cotton candy coating, there is a BS core within.

Hahah!

By this moment, I have low tolerance to BS.

It is okay for me if you admit your BS attitude or behaviour to my face,

but to fake it and being pretentious,

I really wanna punch that 'pretty face' of yours saying,

"Cut all craps, I know your game. Save it for others who doesn't know, yet."

So I admit, "I'm fake and hypocrite too."

No pretense.

Sadly, not everyone could walk their fake mask proud on hallway or to flaunt it on runway.

I may be a smug with too many BS and confidence.

But, please drop your facade.

I read your moves even before you mill churns anything.

Oh! I was judged too and being compared to you. LOL

When I have this happy-go-lucky image, went all funky easy going friendly with others,

you got this stuck up preserving 'ikhtilat' facade, the most lady like,

the most wanted 'in-law' anyone could ever get.

Trust me,

I stuck around you enough to know your theories and practicals on surviving life is near zero.

When I thought I am an ignoramus smug,

girl, why do you beat my title to lack common sense and being an ignorant at the same time.

Though I have to credit you because it is due,

"Girl, you love to trouble yourself with BLOODSHOT unnecessary things (read: helping others who doesn't even need your help but using you instead)."

Should I spit "padan muka" for not setting your priority right or "padan muka" for being too courteous with manipulating human.

Sadly, 

I tried to straighten you up many times,

being supportive and all before I realise,

you bring upon all these dooms to yourself.

Your choice.

Thus, do have fun with your imaginary scoliosis, girl.

I don't know who could knock any sense into your head.

Trying to calm down,

post 2 days of annoyance.

Misguided,

Lighthouse.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Breaking Point | Let's Bend Till One Breaks

Bismillah.

Betul ke kewujudan anak-anak yang tidak bercita-cita tinggi atau punya impian yang besar,

ibu bapa anak-anak tadi telah gagal semasa mendidik mereka?

Heh.

I don't know.

Bloody blood shot ambitious thinking too far ahead, thick skull thick headed human;

is the writer.

Oh,

playlist is playing Here With Me by The Killers but mind is so caught up in SheWolf (Falling to Pieces) by Sia.

Unhealthy attachment to wolf.

Lone wolf.

Not a hyena, not a lioness, not evens a pussy cat.

A wolf.

Back to statement in the first sentence.

If that were true,

I shall deliver a load of gracious to late dad for being a constant motivator.

Always tell me,

"You must know how to pick up yourself after every fall."

No, his words ain't exactly those but,

he made me realize why I should work my arse off to get what I want,

do live by certain rules,

guided by particular principles,

regardless both of us are like fire and oil when went head to head.

Thou those days were over,

such rebel won't be forgotten cause guilt still have a ride on my back.

Soon, I'll bury these dead horses (guilt) and learn how to forgive self.

An ignorant nincompoop child.

Hahah.

Situation kills.

During growing up period,

having a too successful big sister, a special brother and a lil sister (she has nothing to do with my bench marks),

had set aim too high,

worrying every possible questions filled with doubts;

they’ll be singing;

"What if I did not succeed..."
"What if I turn out to be the black sheep in the family?"
"What if I failed to be equally successful like her?"
"What if... "

many other things a silly kid could think at the moment.

Roads taken were not all pretty, there are rough patches,

did great, alhamdulillah till I found my breaking point in 2006.

Yeah,

that female dog bite us hard.

It leaves scars and forever lingers flashing its presence.

How does one define a breaking point?

Let's imagine a human like a spring or rubber band.

*Oh, God, no! Now Elastic Heart by Sia plays*

According to theory of kinetic energy?,

kahkah,

when a spring has reached its limit when it doesn't expand or stretch anymore,

till it snapped and broke.

A broken spring.

Gedemmit,

a human approaching breaking point is like a spring reaching its limit.

-..-

Apparently,

I worried too much when I was a kid.

being thoughtless for thinking too much is ironic and funny.

Almost 10 years later,

learnt a lesson that,

"Not everyone has same path or timeline in life."

To lost that, to achieve this,

to being broke and broken,

to be left out and unheard,

to be taken care off too much till it suffocates,

to lead a rebellion of skeletons in the closet.

Love,

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

You are not alone.

Creatures are creation.

It is The Creator that we need to put our faith in.

Too much pride you have, love.

It is okay to fall, every once in a while,

every now and then.

It is okay.

You are human, ain’t angels nor devils.

We are gonna be the craziest parents ever! hahah.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Dia

"Tak naklah, geli." dia senyum tunduk sebelum tergelak kecil. Pandangannya ditala ke luas padang, entah tuju kepada siapa dan apa.

Terimbas segala kenangan. Ideologi aneh. Harapan palsu. Usikan nakal. Gelak besar tanpa malu. Buah fikiran yang terus meluncur aku, sehingga aku sendiri terkedu. Kusorot lihat pada pipinya yang memerah, kini sudah mula mengelak dari memandang tepat ke mata. Kini sudah reti berlapik susun kata-kata. Kini makin berubah meninggalkanku sepi di laman memori.

"Hm?" dia dongak selepas terdengar keluh. Halus.

"Saya rindu awak..."

"Hm?" dia kelip-kelipkan mata tanda kurang erti.

"Awak, bukan saya yang dulu."

Kulihat matanya pula yang merah sebelum air mata bertakung, mengetap bibir. Menahan esak mungkin. Aku bertagak-tagak samada mahu meneruskan bicara atau membiarkan sendunya habis.

"Awak bukan saya yang dulu..." aku cuba sambung sebelum isu ini putus terus.

Terlayar segala ideologi aneh, harapan palsu, usikan nakal dan ketawa-ketawa lucu dia; berulang tayang. Air mata makin kuat bergenang sebelum tangisnya pecah.

"Maaf!" dia lari meninggal masa lalu; aku. Aku tahu, detik ini akan tiba dan dia bukan lagi manusia yang sama. Perempuan yang lantang bersuara. Perempuan yang tahu apa yang dimahunya. Perempuan yang sering memandang dunia akan terhenti putarannya jika aku sudah tiada. Dia matikan aku tanpa kubur dan nisan. Dan, aku menghantuinya dalam tidur yang panjang.

Perempuan itu menangis dalam lena sehingga (separuh) maut segan untuk bermesra. Dia terjaga. 

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Existential Crisis

Cheshire cat

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world?

Neglecting possibilities of having multi or parallel universe,

one's diminished presence shall not affect another I suppose.

I hope this may not sound suicidal,

but if a person is allowed to kill only a soul,

he may has killed himself first before anyone else.

If murdering people is legit, human kind shall face extinction way before dinosaurs.

What is a human race without religion or guidance in life?

The only creation created with wit to compensate his doings.

Shall I ask again?

How does it feel to doubt your presence in this world till you asked for an early death?

Till you wonder what would happened if you were not in the picture?

What would even change if you were not around?

A dear friend told me,

"It is easier to leave than being left."

Sure, ditto to that.

It may be easier to leave; so many 'lost' souls had decided to die in his own hand.

Though one shall argue,

one shall not die it God do not allow it or one time hasn't come yet.

Jumping off 15 storeys building to ended up paraplegic.

Slitting throat to ended up in a vegetative state until one's real death.

It feels funny to contemplate why am I alive or still alive or why am I even born.

Does anyone has thought of this even once?

I don't want to be an odd ball.

Hahah.

*chuckling over agitation*

Hahah.

Sound like I hit the deepest abyss of depression.

This is weird,

I do not know how to continue this,

just want to ask an absurd question maybe.

It is easier to leave...

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Nyawa Itu Amanah

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: blame yourself first before blaming others till it crucifies your soul. Nah, am joking.

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Love Like a Brat...

Oh, Jeez!

If I know to love in the first place.

I had this quote, can't remember if I get it from someone,

but it has been on my facebook for years.

"Love yourself first before you love someone."

Almost sound promoting let's being a narcist,

with a condition of having capability to love others.

hahah!

I misspelled the title at first,

Hot to Love Like a Brat. Ceh! Sometimes, brats are hot.

That hotness may be sourced from their cocky confidence.

Since being confident is sexy, and sexy is quite a deal (ahem!)

Thus, Hot to Love Like a Brat is possible but ladies and lads,

let me remind you that you had jumped into a miserable love life.

Flaming burning love which may burn items to crisp.

Why did I write this?

It has come to my amazement that almost every week (if I check this blog's statistic),

keywords lead to this blog related to,

"Ayat mengayat perempuan"

"Mengayat makwe""Kekasih lama""Gila bayang"

OMG, please move on.

and yes, they are all related to how to court girls (maybe ladies).

Poor lads,

who did you try to woo so bad till you need lessons to get a significant other?

Well, we could blame girls/ladies for playing hard to get,

pertaining with a concept in mind,

"I don't want to appear cheap"

Err, hello miss! Human do not have a price tag. Unless you were involve in any human trafficking scheme.

God Forbid! Nauzubillah.

From my point of view (successfully maintained being single for almost a quarter of century),

with a disclaimer that every woman behaves almost alike but hell they think differently, bloody fickle and could flip table a second after giving you a peck on left cheek (hahha!).

My observation,

we tend to fall for human's attitude (men in this case), sugary talks work charm too.

An exception for a rich man, may attract gold diggers or materialistic if he is blind to seduction.

I do not know what rich man would think (for God sake!)

Since I mentioned women behave accordingly to their taste and what not,

they fall for good attitude,

or at first blinded with a good behaviour facade a jackass may play during courting.

Or some would say, courting is an act, play decent character just to get laid.

True to that if you just want a one night stand, people!

And again, for one to search for a spouse to spend their life, attitude is important.

Did stumble upon quite a few men,

complaining over why that schmucks get (marry) that pretty girl, laid a decent wife material.

Sure do, men.

Most of the couples that I met,

the one who got a good wife, they are pretty decent too.

Well behave, less patriarchal (maybe) because the point is; those guys do not act like a snob to woo females.

Get my point?

You want to get married?

Drop your stupid ego to act like a playboy.

Yes, confident is sexy to woo like how buzzing bees pit stopping at flowers.

Ayat mengayat perempuan?

Being honest?

Like, admit your flaws if you have. We are all human, if she loves you enough of course she would accept your everything.

Let you be her everything.

Stop the act. Do not act. Fix what attitude one should fix (this goes for men and women).

Frankly speaking,

up to my sleeves, I don’t have any tips on how to mengayat perempuan.

I do not really like sugary talks or flattery over my physical qualities.

Not a wheedle I am, definitely not an arse kisser.

But some women fall for those cheesy lines.

My advice? Study your love of interest right.

Choose your card right.

Love is not a gamble.

Love is not a game. These are phrases I used to use:

"Have a taste of my game!""Welcome to my league!""Can't take the heat, bug off!"

only used them when I was mad at men's fickleness. Haha. Mean prick, I know that.

Why are you single until now?

My fair share of interests are hard to reach by most people that I know (bore me or easily predictable)

Need constant excitement from a brainiac.

But most of all had a trust issue. HAHAHA.

Laugh me off. Seriously, women need assurance.

Pen's down. Ciao.

Moga dapat mengayat bakal isteri.

p/s: now playing: Mengintai Langit by Coco

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

How to Live Like a Total Brat

... with screwed views on love.

I could hardly remember when I started having this notion,

"Say NO to puppy love!"

"No dating until you'd done studying."

Those kinds of chants or principles I would denote them so.

Maybe yes and maybe not.

It started when I was a kid.

Was a less girlish back then, when was little.

To climb trees, jumping from one branch to another, to play around with boys,

extreme level of hide and seek till got a jab of tetanus shot for rusty nails prick.

Ah!

I did burn one of mom's Tupperware collection.

We were playing cooking with real fire,

boiling water for drinks, out of curiosity I burnt a plastic container with a pure stupidity plastic would not melt.

No, the crime scene was behind a post office, next to our neighbourhood.

People say stuff like don't shit where you eat.

Muahaha!

That could explain much our parents still not know about that menace (maybe or they stay shut?)

Loss count to how many mirrors I had broken for my experiments with fire and cold water.

*they are the mirrors one could get on round-shaped back in the 90s sharpener*

Not that I had too many boys friend but it was not a cute and cuddly childhood.

Let alone rebellious phase.

*I miss Along, he was my neighbour's cousin. All I could remember is he was in green school uniform (KRS?)*

Then I entered primary education.

Was a bully. Standard two, were separated from bully gang ended up studying in nerdy class.

Primary school's memory we are not all rainbows and sunshine.

I was sluggish, heck yeah!

Filled with angst and ignorance.

Living in own world, hardly could mingle (being a PTS student was quite a curse)

Don't really fit in. Back in those years,

I learnt;

1. Pretty girl will be wooed by boys
2. Students favours over teacher
3. Hitting puberty is another hell (for others)
4. I don't really miss those years.

Hard to admit but maybe those earlier notions I got when I saw those pretty girls lingering around puppy love didn't really succeed.

*That was my school, I do not know about yours*

Those maybe the years when silently anarchism creeping in.

Hahha!

but I do, I don't do much wheedle hardly I flatter people for my advantages.

Why would I? Kissing arse is not something to be proud of.

Or maybe I was jealous that I'm not pretty neat enough back then?

HAHAHA. Nope, not a pinch.

Still, the same scenario keep repeating itself in high school.

Those pretty girls, kissing arse flock, I chose to become a PRS.

The safest choice?

Anyhow,

what is up with puppy love?

Are they really harmful?

I watched two movies tonight: If I Stay (laptop) and Flipped on DIVA.

They made me think if I could grow up once again,

would I try to fall in love at early age?

With this mind now; NO I do not want to grow up once again, a mistake is a mistake.

Must dang girl learn well from it or learn from others' mistakes.

We ain't live that long.

This thought left me wonder,

what would I have become if I had a lover or a few before.

Must be funny, I would be damaged than I am.

Imagine this,

without puppy love or several heartbreaks,

my view on love is way too screwed.

Had trust issue for a trust is to gain.

Well, had a few crushes before but they are all almost smart, witty, charismatic people.

Another curse: a sapiosexual.

Being a so called PRS, I witnessed and lent too many shoulders for beloveds' heartbreaks.

May have glued their broken pieces of hearts.

May have curse or mock some of those guys.

Yeah, another notion of mine.

Don't mess with my girls; I'll let you suffer on death bed (figuratively) pondering your wrongdoings.

Hehe.

So, here I am.

Still with screwed views on love.

Considering whom should I believe and give my trust.

Who could surpass this imaginary wonder wall of mine.

If I wasn't a dry heart jerk, might perform as a well lived playgirl back in those days.

Thank God for these hardened principles.

Status: thinking who worth to spent time, thought, effort, money, heart, prayers on.

Hahha!

p/s: hurted tongue, munched too much M&M :(

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Surat Buat Tuhan

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

(muzik latar: Note to God by Charice)

Jasad ber-Ruh,

Tanah,

Bumi,

Galaksi Bima Sakti,

Alam Semesta.

Tuhan,

Yang Utama tiada Dua, Allahu-ahad. Tuhan nan Tunggal Maha Wujud, Mengetahui dan Adil. 

Terima kasih Tuhan. Alhamdulillah kupanjangkan syukur kepadaMu.

Terima kasih untuk hidayah yang diberikan. Sesungguhnya sebagai sejenis makhluk yang berakal, dulu hambaMu tidak cerap bagaimana mahu melihat hikmah dan pengajaran dalam kehidupan. 

Tuhan, terima kasih. HambaMu ini mengambil masa 6 tahun untuk mencari redho kenapa nyawa arwah diambil awal. Ruh arwah berpisah lekas dari badan. Dahulu jahil, kini masih jahil. HidayahMu Tuhan, seperti tamparan kasar keras ke pipi. Jika manusia cuba bertanya-tanya apa rasa kehilangan? 

Tuhan, kehilangan itu pahit, perit, pedih, sakit, tak terluah dibibir untuk insan sepertiku. Insan yang tak mampu nak luah semua cerita kurang manis. Insan yang tak punya kekuatan untuk berkongsi rasa. Insan yang tidak pernah punya apa-apa tanpa rahmatMu. 

Tuhan, hingga kini aku masih cuba hidup sebagai seorang manusia menjadi petunjuk...

***

I couldn't bring myself to finish this letter. Frankly speaking, writing this is not easy.

Rose Kennedy quote:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Scarred and scared. How did I survive this almost a quarter century, living almost a decade regretting my mistakes, arrogance and stupidity. I miss him so much.

Dear God, 

Spare him your Mercy and Blessings. Let him rest in peace. Put him in the place of loved ones. 

Amen!

Me,

(Miss-almost-always-misguided)

---

Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

---

Jalan Pulang

Petang itu redup. Tidak tersangka-sangka di penghujung tahun begini, matahari masih sudi menunjukkan rupa. Barangkali Tuhan ada pesan, jarang-jarang selaklah awan supaya makhluk di bumi tak kejung dek dingin hujan. Redup, angin sejuk. Mama bilang, jika mahu tahu bagaimana hawa negeri Kanggaru itu ibarat menghadap sepoi penyaman udara tetapi berdiri di terik siang. Begitu enaknya. Bagiku, redup dan sedikit angin sejuk sudah memadai kerana kami bersandar di dahan pokok.

Dia sederhana berselipar jepun, tangan di saku jeans yang menunggu masa untuk rabak. Sebelah badan masih menyandar selepas aku beralih tempat kebosanan. Mencangkung, kukuis dedaun kering-lembab di tanah.

"Rasa macam makin sesatlah." kerling ke mana hala pandangan matanya. Tunggu respon.

"Hm?" sepatah. Kening sahaja diangkat tanda tanya. Sepatah. Bertuah.

"Sesat tak jumpa cari jalan pulang." aku jelaskan seringkas rasa sesat yang dirasakan sekarang. Kali ini giliran tanah pula dikuis, selepas dedaun diselak bogel. Mungkin jika dikuis tanah ini penuh konsentrasi, cacing pula muncul sebagai makhluk ketiga.

"Ini." dia angkat lengan kedua belah gaya robot tak cukup sifat. "Ini." dia ulang.

"Apa? Angkat tangan macam tu. Nak menari robot ke apa?" aku balas malas. Debu habuk yang terlekat di kain dikibas-kibas, mula bangkit. Tak puas hati bila ditanya soalan jawabnya bahasa isyarat bahasa badan gerak tangan. Aku tak ambil lagi kursus penuh 'Teknik Memahami Bahasa Badan Manusia'.

Dia gelak. Tangan masih bergaya robot atau hantu pocong a la filem cina zaman dulu-dulu. Hantu yang lompat-lompat kejar orang tu, bila ditampal azimat ke dahi muka baru beku. Iya, macam itu lah gaya dia.

"Ini. Jalan pulang..." gelak kecil mati. Aku tarik balik muncung-muncung mulut selepas bebel tidak puas hati tadi. Dia tenung tajam, riak muka agak serius agak tidak berperasaan.

"Hahah!" aku tepis rasa debar dengan gelak sinis. Amboi! Jalan pulang untuk rasa sesat kita rupanya pulang ke dakapan dia.

Bertuah!

TaMMaT

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Being Apologetic

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I'm sorry.

My apology.

I apologize for ...

Honestly, I don't know.

Remember how the world make fun or adore Canadian's manner over being apologetic at almost every situation.

I'm no a Canadian but in my point of view,

to being rude or polite, it does not count what country you were born in, what colour of your skin may be tinted with, what race would you belong.

To own such manner, apologetic or not,

it comes from brought up of one's family,

if the family was broken,

the manner came from one's life principles as long as he breathe.

Yes, we could see how well behave a human become from a miserable household,

we could even see how bad a human turned out from a happy family,

we could see how an orphan ended up being a masked devil or winged angel.

Now we are about to reflect to see which categories we fall in.

Which is yours?

Advertisement: I was watching Berlari ke Bintang whilst typing this,

wow, oh, wow! That wife is a bitch!

Her husband and kid (Intan) are almost an angel.

A stingy judgemental bitch.

Now pray unmarried young lad, for you must find a decent wife to marry, not a bitch nor trophy wife.

Pray to God, till your knees hurt.

*I rarely watch Malay drama because of screwed up scripts, but this drama is good*

May God bless the production crews.

Getting back again,

which caterogy do I fall into?

I apologise too much.

I'm sorry for being me,

sorry that I hurted you,

my apology if my presence ever tilted your balanced world.

Silly enough to ask for human's forgiveness over being alive?

Am I an ungrateful servant of God?

Was I trying hard to please human over the Almighty?

Let those questions seep in deep in heart while repenting every mistakes I had done, or might do.

The sinner.

Subconciously following heart's desire, The Nafs.

Conciously following misguided brain, The Thinker.

What if I tell you, my ultimate escapism is sleep, Half Dead.

My soul would leave the body, the Jasad (body) would be incapable to add any sins into heavily darkened book of deed?

How one could be so sure by sleeping, one could escape making any sins?

Or at least one could hope his sleep turned into an Ibadah (The Deed)?

I don't know, sincerely I do not know.

I'm a human, for one could try (The Intention) to stop commit sins.

May God count my good will, and may He Erase and put halt to any evil will to others (The Makhluk).

Let me tell you,

never start your sentence with 'No offence',

because whatever words follow no offence, they will sound offensive.

Say what you want to say, apologise to them if to speak out your mind will cost you their forgiveness.

Thing that I loathe most is to feel indebted with human.

Thing that I afraid most is to hurt human's feeling if they would never forgive me.

Thing that I hope most is to have a family (if ever have any) that I could nurture us well at every high and low.

May Allah Ease.

Jaga Diri, Jaga Iman, Jaga Niat

:: Salam Satu Aqidah! ::

p/s: Should not step low to please human, should us?

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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Words in .jpg Format

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I've been thinking, what else could I do to prevent this mind from becoming dull.

Well, if one (the one) read this, one must know where this title was inspired.

Well, again. You inspired me in a way.

Ah, thank Lord for being a mature human, at your age.

It was fun, it is fun, still.

And dear God, please grant him some speed in typing.

Though I shall admit, I do type fast but prone to make tons of typo (typing error).

Just on another note, I won't commit any typo if I was talking about serious matter.

For an example, I was trying hard to woo you?

Hahaha.

Now,

let's heed an image below.

***

Since internet is super slow over exceeding usage of bandwidth,

Shall share the quote,

if one shall denote them as a quote,

even if they deserved to be called as a quote,

the point is,

random thing found over internet but I adore it so,

ended up saving the images and I'm sharing it's gem with humans.

(contemplating if bots would read this blog, ah, beggar can't choose!)

ONE OF THEHARDESTDECISIONSYOU'LL EVERFACE IN LIFEIS CHOOSINGWHETHERTO WALKAWAY ORTRY HARDER.

Above is one of the images saved because they are interesting.

Sometimes, being fickle does not mean one cannot make a choice but has a problem which would satisfy his needs or which would please people around.

If I were to justify being fickle over things.

But most of the times, 

I'd know what I want.

An example again, I would go bold by saying,

"I want you."

with a straight bitch resting face, expressionless cold tone... after 5 seconds one could find me running away because of shame.

LOL.

But, what is courage?

Courage or Boldness?

Err, it depends. I don't know what sentences should I ramble to justify my random acts of boldness,

but

unfortunately the writer does wear her heart on sleeves.

One time confession is not enough? Enough?

Said an almost genius Kahlil Gibran, 

"Try, failed. Try harder, failed better.""Wait until you find someone who worth more than 3 tries."

giving me more points to ponder.

Hahha, I doooooo ponder a lot over your advises, *maybe*

:)

Till this day, date and time.

I'm still wondering if I should give up or try harder.

Even though I did remark your opinions with,

"One must know when to quit."

To counter self defense,

"One will not quit if one worth it?"

*I'm puzzled honestly*

Being practical over things,

weighing in this age, where shall find such human that could intrigue me enough,

to fight but to reconcile later,

to sulk but to crawl back sooner,

to dote and to love better?

Auwww!

*Hush*

My almost endless rant point is,

I have a lot of words in .jpg format.

Maybe could enjoy eye feasting at art gallery?

(I've been dying to sight seeing at Balai Seni Negara since forever but until now have no reason)

Reason why images are more tempting than words?

"If I rely on words, I'll be moving or circling around the ideas of the words.""Gimme pictures, I could see thing in various point of views."

See? My perception is better if it appears in form of image or at least I could picture it in mind.

I'm good at building concepts in mind.

*Imagine Iron Man 3 during the mind mapping scene*

I claim mine is better. Kahkah!

Power of imagination, honey.

Decent imagination? Double Kahkah! 

p/s: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

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Heh, siapa nak Ayat balik ???

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